I would like to extend my gratitude to the Academy—specifically, the American Academy of Pediatrics. Their guidelines on children’s sleep duration were thoroughly disregarded by my little ones last night.
It is with great humility that I accept this distinguished award for the Worst Night’s Sleep Ever in the category of Tired Mom Whose Partner Is Away. The competition was fierce, and I hold deep respect for all the other contenders vying for this honor. I wish them all the best in their future endeavors.
A heartfelt thanks goes out to my spirited toddler. The antics between 2:45 and 3:30 a.m. surely deserve an accolade of their own. The plaintive request for a drink swiftly transformed into a furious outburst upon discovering that the offered beverage was merely water—a true masterpiece of drama. It turns out that what you really craved was milk.
I must express my appreciation for the farmers across our nation who provided me with nutritious food during my pregnancy. Had I not nourished myself well, you likely wouldn’t possess the vocal strength to awaken the entire household with your shrieks or the ability to kick your crib with such fervor. Kudos also to the makers of that durable crib.
I owe thanks to my mother for nurturing my patience. I recalled this wisdom as I attempted to soothe my wailing child, although it felt less like rocking and more akin to wrestling with a bag of writhing snakes.
I also want to acknowledge my inner voice that finally conceded at 3 a.m. that it was time for milk rather than engaging in a futile lesson.
Have I mentioned those farmers? Yes? Good.
A shoutout to my two daughters for joining me in bed just after I managed to fall asleep around 5 a.m. I graciously accept this award on behalf of your future partners, who will undoubtedly experience the bruises from your well-placed kicks and knees. You both have an uncanny talent for delivering impressive blows.
A special mention must go to my eldest daughter for the unexpected slap to my face.
I would also like to thank the morning birds. Your chirping at 6 a.m. cemented my claim to this award, as did the 7 a.m. text from my beloved mother.
Finally, I express my gratitude to my husband, who will return this evening. I plan to share this award with you; in fact, you may take it entirely since I’ll be catching up on sleep at my parents’ house.
All things considered, I feel utterly deserving of this award. Very deserving. But mostly, I am just fatigued.
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Summary
This humorous acceptance speech details the exhausting experience of a mother enduring a sleepless night alone. She reflects on the challenges posed by her children’s antics, the lack of sleep, and the support of her family, all while maintaining a light-hearted tone. The narrative serves as a candid depiction of parenting struggles, with links to helpful resources on home insemination and preparing for parenthood.