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Parenting
A Virtual Goodnight: Tucking Your Kids In from a Distance
by Jamie Carter
Updated: Sep. 9, 2020
Originally Published: Feb. 26, 2015
When it comes to maintaining a strict bedtime routine, I must admit I fall short as a parent. In simpler terms, I’m a bit lenient. Requests for an extra 15 minutes of playtime or the classic “one more story” plea rarely get met with resistance from me. Perhaps my approach would differ if I were parenting solo, but I doubt it.
Most weeks, my daughter Mia spends two or three nights at my place. I treasure those evenings and the mornings that follow. Though there are certainly moments of frustration—like her consistent refusal to brush her teeth or her reluctance to get out of bed—it’s probably not too far off from my own behavior at her age. I tend to roll with it.
On nights when Mia isn’t staying over, our routine takes a different shape. Five years ago, when I began navigating the co-parenting landscape, I made a commitment to ensure my daughter heard “I love you” every single day. It was crucial for me that she knew I was always there for her, regardless of my location or activities. You could argue that this was just as much for my benefit as hers, but it was a promise I made.
Back then, I relied on a Blackberry to keep in touch, and at just 4 years old, Mia wasn’t keen on phone conversations. Our chats were brief and straightforward. Her mother and I made an effort to schedule our calls away from bedtime to avoid reminding Mia of our separation just before she drifted off to sleep.
However, as time has passed and technology has evolved, so has our communication. Just last Sunday, after a long day filled with 120 miles of driving and a tire blowout, I settled down to watch the Oscars when my phone chimed. It was Mia, FaceTiming from her iPad at her mom’s house. Naturally, I picked up, expecting a quick hello. I paused my DVR and got comfortable on the couch, anticipating a brief virtual tuck-in.
What began as a simple chat turned into a 20-minute FaceTime session where I watched her play with her Littlest Pet Shops. I finally reminded her it was time to get ready for bed, and her mother supported the idea from the background. But then she called me back, now nestled in bed but still wide awake. This back-and-forth continued for another 10 minutes.
Then came the moment that truly melted my heart. I couldn’t help but smile, even as I felt a pull between wanting to end the call and appreciating her affection. Maybe a more traditional parent would have been able to resist replying to her last message, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
A few minutes passed, and I assumed she was brushing her teeth. I hit play on my DVR, finally ready to watch the Oscars, but it wasn’t long before our conversation resumed for another 20 minutes. My patience began to wear thin, realizing it was indeed time for her to sleep, while I longed to watch the awards show after such a hectic day. I couldn’t shake the feeling of being a bad father for wanting to cut the call short.
This experience highlighted some important lessons for me. I struggle with not responding to texts and emails, especially when it comes to Mia. The permanence of her messages makes it even harder for me to enforce boundaries. When it’s in writing, she can always look back and see a moment where she felt I was shutting her out. However, from my perspective, I’m just trying to be a responsible parent.
Enforcing bedtime is challenging enough in person, but when we’re physically apart and longing for one another, it becomes even more difficult. At what point does my desire to soften the impact of her parents’ separation turn into a logistical parenting dilemma? Regardless of our circumstances, she still needs to go to sleep at night.
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Summary:
Navigating bedtime routines as a co-parent can be challenging, especially when technology allows for extended virtual interactions. This personal account reflects on the emotional tug-of-war between maintaining boundaries and nurturing a loving relationship. As parents, it’s essential to remember that children need structure, even amidst the complexities of separation.