A few weeks ago, we made the difficult decision to withdraw our sons from a locally run homeschool swimming and physical education program offered by a reputable health organization. It was not an easy choice; they had formed friendships there, and our youngest was making progress in learning to swim. However, the program engaged in a form of punishment that we found absolutely unacceptable: they humiliated our seven-year-old son publicly.
Our son is a kind-hearted and sensitive child with ADHD, which can lead to moments of heightened excitement. During a game of tag, he accidentally tagged another child too hard, causing him to fall. Both our son and his brother, who witnessed the incident, confirmed that the child was unharmed. To our shock, however, rather than addressing the situation constructively, the teacher punished our son by making him sit alone against the wall for ten minutes.
Isolation is not an effective form of discipline for him; it’s something we never practice at home. Research from The Institute for Family Studies supports our view that such punitive measures send a damaging message: “When you do something I do not like, I will reject you.” Understandably, our son began to cry, turning away to hide his tears from his peers. Yet, the teacher insisted he face forward, forcing him to endure the humiliation of being seen crying, which only exacerbated his distress as other children pointed and laughed. For ten agonizing minutes, he was made to stare at the teacher while tears streamed down his face. This is blatant humiliation, and it’s simply unacceptable.
When we talk about humiliation as punishment, we often think of extreme cases, such as children being forced to wear shameful signs. But humiliation can manifest in more subtle forms that many of us might not recognize in our own behaviors. For instance, name-calling or belittling comments like, “How could you be so careless?” can shame a child into feeling inadequate. Psychology Today highlights how children struggle to separate their actions from their self-worth; shaming them for their behaviors leads to feelings of worthlessness.
It’s highly likely that most parents have, at some point, resorted to these subtle forms of humiliation. I, too, have found myself exasperated and rolling my eyes, asking, “Why can’t you ever find your shoes?” But as noted by experts, shaming is not an effective method of behavior modification. Instead of correcting behavior, it often leads to increased anxiety and resentment.
The key to effective discipline lies not in punishment, but in teaching. Discipline can be a constructive process that fosters understanding rather than fear. For example, if one of my sons pushes his brother, I would calmly address the behavior by explaining, “Pushing is not okay; it can hurt others.” This approach not only identifies the behavior but also provides context for why it’s unacceptable. Following this, I’ll encourage natural consequences, such as asking for an apology or suggesting a short separation until they can play nicely again.
Humiliation as a form of punishment doesn’t teach; it damages the parent-child relationship, which is something we all want to avoid. We all have moments where we lose our tempers and say things we regret. When this happens, it’s important to apologize to our children and guide them in doing the same. Grace and understanding can help us all to improve, and we can strive to do better every day.
In summary, the experience of public humiliation inflicted on my child was not just a moment of punishment but a serious violation of his dignity. It is crucial for parents to recognize the long-term effects of humiliation and instead focus on constructive discipline that promotes a healthy relationship with their children. For more insights on parenting and emotional well-being, you can check out this resource on pregnancy and home insemination.