By: Jessica Thompson
Updated: May 11, 2023
Over a year ago, one morning, I stood in front of the mirror and felt a wave of self-loathing wash over me. I was confronted with my beer belly and the excess weight that had accumulated from years of indulgence in liquid calories and unhealthy eating choices made under the influence. My eyes were puffy, my face felt bloated, and my head throbbed from the previous night’s escapades. I felt repulsed by myself. It was a moment of clarity that led me to acknowledge my struggle with alcohol.
While I sometimes attribute my issues to genetic factors and a challenging upbringing, I recognize that my relationship with alcohol is ultimately my responsibility. I used childhood trauma, work stress, and parenting challenges as justifications for my drinking. I sought solace in alcohol during minor achievements and even mundane days, but the truth is, I drank not to celebrate or connect, but to escape. I am an addict, and I am an alcoholic.
The journey to sobriety has been arduous and fraught with setbacks. It involved countless difficult conversations and the support of fellow recovering addicts, understanding friends, a caring partner, and an incredible therapist. While I am proud to be sober, I still find myself yearning for the comfort that alcohol once provided.
At school events, I find myself disconnected from the lighthearted banter about wishing for alcohol to ease the fundraising efforts for new playground equipment. I no longer joke about needing a drink to cope with my children’s antics. Instead, I sip on sparkling water and consume copious amounts of tea and coffee during social gatherings. When offered a beer or cocktail, I politely decline, saying, “No thanks, I’m fine.” But inside, the truth is, I am not fine. I feel a twinge of jealousy and frustration at not being able to unwind with a drink after a tough day or week. My anxiety and depression often intersect with my struggle, making it difficult to feel part of the social fabric where drinking is so normalized.
I often notice that acquaintances don’t bat an eye at my choice to abstain, but my closer friends—who know my history—offer sympathetic glances that make me feel both grateful and embarrassed. They support me wholeheartedly, yet I worry about imposing on their social experiences by choosing not to drink. This is my personal journey, but the absence of something as ubiquitous as alcohol in social settings can leave one feeling isolated.
While I haven’t lost my sense of humor, I find myself excluded from the jokes about drinking culture. I cherish the friendships I have, yet I miss the camaraderie that alcohol sometimes fostered. It feels akin to longing for an old friend who seems to be enjoying life without me. I’m learning to grieve the absence of alcohol, acknowledging its hold on me and the potential impact it could have if I were to indulge again. I often feel like an outsider during conversations about going out for drinks or relaxing with a glass of wine. I know I’ve made a positive choice, yet there are moments when I feel like I’ve somehow failed.
Emotions are fluid, much like the gin I once poured nightly. They ebb and flow between pride and envy, creating a complex landscape of feelings. I allow them to exist without judgment, accepting that sometimes feeling left out is part of my new reality. This sense of exclusion has, paradoxically, helped me carve out a safer path forward.
For those exploring similar journeys, it’s essential to understand that support is available. Resources such as this fertility booster for men can provide additional insights on navigating life’s challenges. Additionally, for more on the implications of substance use, visit this authority on neonatal abstinence syndrome. Understanding the impact of choices during parenting is critical, and an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination can be found here.
In summary, my path to sobriety has been filled with challenges and realizations. While I sometimes feel left out in social settings that revolve around drinking, I continue to learn and grow from my experiences. Embracing my feelings allows me to navigate this journey authentically.