Greetings, America! Welcome to the inaugural evening of the Democratic National Convention. Unlike my predictions during the Republican Convention—where I was continually proven wrong—I genuinely believe tonight will unfold smoothly.
CNN’s anchor, Jake Turner, checks in with our correspondent, Max Rivera: “Max, what’s the atmosphere outside with the Bernie supporters?”
Max: “Hey Jake, it’s sweltering out here, and the protesters are getting quite vocal. I’m feeling a bit uneasy—”
Jake: “We’ll have to cut you off there, Max, as we have Boys II Men taking the stage! For those curious, Boys II Men equates to approximately 38.5 Scott Baios.”
Opening Prayer
May we bless Hillary Clinton… [Crowd: BOOOOOOO]
[Let’s take a moment to describe those who boo during a prayer: inconsiderate, misguided, not the brightest, and just plain foolish.]
Marcia Fudge
I assure you, I will listen to all your voices, but respect is a two-way street.
[The evening is off to a shaky start. We now transition to a series of speakers discussing critical issues like immigration and mental health—issues that seem to be lost on the crowd. Remember how the Republicans excelled at listening last week? Tonight, however, we’re witnessing chatter while an 11-year-old expresses fears about parental deportation. Come on, folks, let’s show some decorum.]
Jason and Jarron Collins, NBA Players
(Jarron) How do you teach your children to stand against bullying when the president exemplifies it? How do you instill pride in their heritage if the president belittles it?
(Jason) The Clintons have been friends of mine, and they understood that my sexual orientation had no bearing on my ability to excel in basketball.
Anastasia Somoza, a Young Woman with Cerebral Palsy
Donald Trump has revealed his true nature, and my heart aches for anyone harboring such animosity. He neither sees nor represents me.
[As a woman with a disability myself, I wholeheartedly support this sentiment.]
Al Franken and Sarah Silverman
Al is firmly in Hillary’s corner, while Sarah supports Bernie but will vote for Hillary. Together, they create a bridge between party factions. To emphasize unity, Paul Simon performs “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” followed by The Eagles with “Get Over It,” Beyonce covering “I Will Survive,” Taylor Swift belting “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” and Adele offering a heartfelt rendition of “Someone Like You.”
Eva Longoria
I’m Eva Longoria, and I make Antonio Sabato Jr. look like a mere collection of Scott Baios. Now, let’s dive into some inspiration, starting with a quote or two from Maya Angelou and a sprinkle of Cory Booker.
Cory Booker
Buckle up, folks. I was a heartbeat away from being Vice President, and here’s why: Donald Trump seeks to elevate himself while dragging our national discourse down. When we shine, we confront bullies. In crises, we reaffirm our values. As Maya Angelou said, “Like dust, I’ll rise.” America, we will rise!
First Lady Michelle Obama
Raising children today is challenging. Barack and I encourage our daughters to dismiss those who question their father’s integrity. We teach them to respond to bullies with grace—when they go low, we go high. Our children observe us closely. Who will shape their lives in the coming years? [Not Trump] The only person I trust for this responsibility is our friend, Hillary Clinton. When she didn’t clinch the nomination eight years ago, she didn’t lash out or lose hope. As a dedicated public servant, she has always prioritized the greater good [Debbie]. I wake up in a home that was built by slaves [George Washington]. I watch my daughters play on the White House lawn, and thanks to Hillary, they now take for granted that a woman can hold the presidency.
[My liberal heart is swelling with emotion.]
Senator Elizabeth Warren
[Amidst some crowd noise, we could really use those Republican delegates from Texas to teach some respect.]
Donald Trump embodies every negative trait imaginable. He is unequivocally unfit to be President of the United States.
[Admittedly, I missed parts of her speech as I was consumed by thoughts of Michelle Obama and scrolling through tweets about her greatness.]
Senator Bernie Sanders
Alright, let’s hear that full and unequivocal endorsement of Hillary.
I want to express my gratitude to everyone who supported my campaign. I look forward to your votes tomorrow.
[Um…Bernie?]
I recognize that many are disheartened by the results. No one feels that disappointment more than I do.
However, I hope you take pride in the monumental movement we’ve initiated together. Our revolution is far from over.
This election focuses on the needs of Americans and the future we envision for our children.
It is unacceptable that the top one-tenth of one percent possesses as much wealth as the bottom 90%.
While we’ve made strides, significantly more work lies ahead.
We need leadership that enhances everyone’s lives and unifies our nation.
[Last chance, Bernie. Give the full endorsement or face a neighborhood cat with a disposable razor.]
Thus, Hillary Clinton must become the next President of the United States. She will be an extraordinary leader, and I am proud to stand with her.
[OH THANK HEAVEN.]
Summary
The first night of the Democratic National Convention was filled with a mix of profound speeches, emotional appeals, and some crowd disruptions. Notably, figures like Michelle Obama and Bernie Sanders addressed the audience, emphasizing unity and the importance of leadership under Hillary Clinton. Despite some chaotic moments, the night highlighted the party’s commitment to progressive values and the need for collective action.