The baby stirred at 3 a.m. and never settled back to sleep. Someone had an unfortunate accident at 4 a.m., and sleep was a distant memory. Your 4-year-old turned into a little ninja, kicking you throughout the night, while the baby woke up a staggering eight times. However you arrived at this moment, it’s now 7 a.m., the kids are stirring, and it’s time to engage in the art of parenting. You’re utterly sleep-deprived; the bags under your eyes could rival a suitcase for a two-week vacation. The morning light feels blinding, and the cacophony of crying grates on your nerves. You’d trade almost anything for a few more minutes in bed — maybe not an actual demon, but perhaps a lesser deity — but alas, it’s time to face the day.
First, get into your comfortable gear: yoga pants and a loose T-shirt will do just fine. Slip on a comfy sleep bra to keep things in place and avoid unnecessary annoyance. Don’t bother with real clothes, dear. Let’s be honest — you’re not going anywhere today.
Next, it’s time for coffee. As the coffee brews, grab a quick bite; maybe a banana, some Cheerios, or a muffin. You’ll be ingesting a lot of caffeine today, and doing so on an empty stomach will only lead to nausea. For every two cups of coffee, have a little snack to keep your energy up.
When the kids wake up, prepare a “picnic” breakfast in front of the TV. Opt for muffins or toast — something simple that won’t create too much mess. If you have a dog, cereal is a great choice, as your furry friend will gladly clean up any spills. Don’t forget drinks — water is best for easy cleanup — and napkins.
I have a rule: I refuse to engage in parenting tasks before 9 a.m. on days like this. So, you’ve got two guilt-free hours of screen time. Queue up some episodes of Puffin Rock or The Magic School Bus on Netflix. Let the kids enjoy their breakfast while you savor that precious hot coffee. Take this chance to recline on the couch and catch some more sleep. If the kids try to snuggle with you, shift to the loveseat. If they persist, suggest they build a pillow fort on the floor, which you can tidy up later.
At the stroke of 9 a.m., it’s time to parent — but keep it light. Break out crayons and stickers. Set them up in the living room and try to sneak in a few more moments of rest. Your little ones will bring you their artistic masterpieces to show off. You’ll nod along, saying, “That’s wonderful! Tell me about your creation,” even if you can’t quite decipher if it’s a dinosaur or a strange blob. They’ll insist it’s a pirate ship, and you’ll encourage them to create more.
Depending on your kids, this quiet time might last anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour and a half. Once they’re done, it’s time for some quality interaction. Refill your coffee cup and announce it’s story time. The kids will eagerly bring you books, and you can read aloud while sipping your coffee. This way, they’ll feel attended to while you exert minimal effort.
Now it’s time for free play. Kick it off by pretending to be hibernating bears. When that loses its charm, initiate the Quiet Game, which will probably fizzle out quickly unless there’s a marshmallow reward for the winner — not the most conventional parenting, but it’s an effective survival strategy. Eventually, they’ll tire of that too. Encourage them to play while you ignore the thuds and crashes coming from their rooms. You can handle the mess later.
Lunchtime is a no-brainer: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are a staple. With slices of bread, peanut butter, and jelly, this meal is full of protein and should keep them from pestering you for snacks — at least for a little while. (Note: They will still ask for snacks, though.) This time, have them eat at the table since peanut butter can be messy.
After lunch, it’s movie theater time! Pop some popcorn — you keep it on hand, right? Dim the lights, lay out a blanket and pillows, and choose a movie that’s at least a decent length. If it’s on the short side, you can always run a double feature. No judgment here!
Next up is watercolor time! Set up the paints at the dinner table while you lean back with your coffee. Admire their artwork; you’re doing great, facilitating creativity! Watercolors should keep even the most restless child engaged for about half an hour. When they’re done, it’s time for cleanup.
As the day wears on, chug another cup of coffee to prepare for the cleanup song. Encourage the kids, either by singing or with gentle threats, to tidy up the chaos they created earlier. Lean against the wall with your coffee and direct their efforts. Pick up the dinosaurs! Gather the pillows! Put the comforter back on your bed! With enough singing and a little help from you, it will get done.
Dinner is simple: pasta. While you cook, keep the TV on. Have another picnic at the table. Once the kids are finally in bed, you can opt for a refreshing shower or just collapse into sleep. Chances are, you’ll choose sleep. If you’re not that exhausted, then you probably weren’t truly tired to begin with.
Give yourself a pat on the back; you made it through the day.
Tomorrow is a fresh start.
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