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Have a serious chat with yourself: Your mission is solely to purchase a bag of coffee. Nothing else. Just coffee.
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Bring a child along for the trip. A 12-year-old boy torn from his video games will suffice, but the ultimate companion is a toddler, ideally one in the midst of potty training and the Terrible Twos. (No longer have a toddler? Borrow one from a frazzled mom—she’ll be eternally grateful.)
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Step into Target. Feel the familiar rush of excitement. Ah, yes, the onset of a Target High.* Thank goodness for that toddler you brought along to help you stay grounded. (*Target High: a euphoric state leading to impulsive purchases at Target, characterized by dizziness, exhilaration, and a compulsion to swipe your credit card.)
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Secure the child in a cart. As she begins to whine, you realize the Toddler Time Bomb is about to explode. Hand her a snack bar to buy yourself a few extra minutes.
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Opt for the scenic route to the coffee aisle, consciously avoiding the home decor section. Almost immediately, you regret this decision. Purses to your right catch your eye … No! Stay focused. But then you stumble upon …
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The shoe department. You feel yourself slowing down, eyes gliding over sandals, sneakers—oh! Clearance boots! Surely a quick peek at those wouldn’t hurt. (Check on the toddler. She’s got half a snack bar left.)
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Leave the shoe section empty-handed; they didn’t have your size. You wistfully brush your fingers over a beaded sandal—maybe next payday…
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Steal away with intention—wait! A bright red sign in the juniors’ section screams “Sale!”
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Five hazy minutes later, you find yourself in the family-sized dressing room. How did you end up here? The toddler is in the cart, happily licking a jelly blob, and your cart is overflowing with 36 items from the juniors’ department.
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Blink to regain your focus. Well, since I’m here now, may as well try these on for my next paycheck.
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Ten minutes later, you exit, feeling like an enormous cow. You hand the attendant 35 out of 36 items, ignoring her disapproving stare.
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As you clean up the toddler’s messy face, you pass the workout clothes section. Pause. Maybe if you bought some cute workout gear, you’d feel inspired to exercise, thus justifying your next trip to the juniors’ department.
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The toddler alarm blares: “I need to go potty NOW!”
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Dash to the restroom. Arriving breathless, you find it’s too late. She’s soaked. While changing her, it strikes you: she could really use another pair of pants … we’re already here, after all.
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On the way to the baby and toddler section, you mentally count all the stained hand-me-downs and convince yourself this will only be a quick walkthrough. You’ll only stop if there’s a sale.
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Entering the baby and toddler aisle, you gasp with delight. The tutus, the lace, the adorable raincoats! Your head starts to spin.
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The toddler squeals, “Let go!” (Which means she’s seen something Frozen-related.) Distracted by the raincoats, you hand her a stuffed Olaf to keep her occupied. She’ll throw a fit when it’s time to leave without it, but for now, those raincoats are all that matters.
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In a flash, you toss 18 toddler outfits into your cart, promising to decide at checkout.
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As you head toward the checkout, you pass the organization aisle and spot chevron bins. Just what you need for the myriad of cords around your home! A little drool gathers; these bins are an investment in sanity and keeping the toddler from chewing on the older kids’ cords … Three bins go into the cart. You’re feeling a bit shaky now—officially experiencing Target High.
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You round the final corner. What’s on that end cap? Mismatched bowls that look like they belong in Anthropologie! Just yesterday, your son destroyed your last snack bowl in a science experiment. You grab a set of eight, your heart racing with joy.
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Glancing down, you see the toddler happily chewing on Olaf’s carrot nose. Perfect, you’ve got three more minutes to shop, because you just spotted …
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An adorable serving tray! Last week, you mentioned needing one, and it’s only $12.99! Trays typically cost $30, so this is a money-saving opportunity. Into the cart it goes.
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The toddler makes a gagging noise. Panicking, you fish half of Olaf’s nose out of her mouth. She erupts in tears—the Toddler Time Bomb has exploded. The entire store turns to see what’s happening. Time to leave.
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Holding the screaming toddler in one arm, you jog to checkout, pushing the cart with your free hand, only glancing at the shiny kitchen gadgets whizzing past.
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As you pause in line, you suddenly realize your cart is overflowing. How did this happen? You don’t remember adding a paisley broom and decorative hooks!
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Digging through your purse, you find a lollipop and hand it to the toddler, who stops crying and begins to lick.
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Pulling out your phone, you check your bank account balance. You gasp in horror. There’s no way! You could have sworn…
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Reload your banking app. Same pitiful number.
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You contemplate your options. With payday just six days away, if you skip Starbucks and pack the kids’ lunches, you might manage to afford the raincoat, two bowls, and Olaf with his bitten-off nose. Now you absolutely have to buy Olaf. Your Target High begins to fade.
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Push the cart into the checkout line (past three other women, similarly staring gloomily at their phones). You mumble to the cashier, “Uh, we’ve changed our minds. Just the raincoat, bowls, and the snowman, please.”
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Shuffle outside, strap the toddler into her car seat, and realize you completely forgot to buy the coffee.
In summary, shopping at Target without money isn’t quite as easy as one might hope. The allure of sales, cute items, and the chaos of a toddler can lead to unexpected purchases and a shopping experience that spirals out of control. If you’re looking for more practical advice about home insemination or parenting, consider checking out resources like March of Dimes for pregnancy or tips on boosting fertility.