As I sit contentedly watching my son during a swimming lesson, a wave of pride washes over me. He dives in, and up surfaces his smiling face—a moment that feels monumental. Just a short while ago, his sensory processing disorder made it nearly impossible for him to put his face underwater. This small victory is a tremendous source of joy for me, and I can’t help but feel a sense of relief. At 6 years old, he was the only first-grader still using floaties at the pool, something that weighed heavily on his mind until now.
I catch sight of one of his classmates across the pool, calmly engrossed in a hefty chapter book, clearly beyond the reading level of most kids in first grade. He’s already mastered swimming, while my son is still working through the basics. A twinge of envy bubbles within me.
“Did you know that Nathan was reading a chapter book?” I remark to a fellow mom, who isn’t surprised. She casually adds that Nathan excels at soccer too—a classic overachiever destined for a bright future filled with success. She expresses her hopes for her own son to achieve similar greatness. In response, I share that my only wish for my son is to be happy.
As I reflect on our conversations, I am reminded that every parent has their own understanding of what success means. For me, it’s a smile on his face when he comes home from school.
After years of navigating these challenges, I’ve come to accept that, for now, my son may not be the star student or the captain of the soccer team. While he certainly has the potential for success—being smart, kind, and talented in unique ways—his ADHD and SPD create hurdles. Watching him face these obstacles has taught me that his happiness and self-esteem are far more critical than conventional markers of success.
During one of our many meetings with his educational team, I found myself in tears, desperately searching for evidence of my son’s strengths as a first grader. “Perhaps he calls out in class because he has insightful ideas!” I suggested. “What if he’s struggling because he’s bored and ready for more challenging material?” Each time, I was met with the same answer: “No, he’s not bored; he’s just learning at his own pace.”
In that moment, I cried, “I need him to excel at something, anything! Just tell me one thing he does well!” I watched him struggle in activities like piano and dance—things he loves. I needed reassurance that there was something in his life that didn’t feel like a battle.
I received sympathetic nods, but I was reassured with, “Don’t worry, he’s doing great! He’s enthusiastic, loves to learn, and has many friends.” At that moment, clarity struck:
I no longer care that he isn’t interested in soccer or that he would prefer to build rockets rather than score touchdowns. I’ve stopped feeling frustrated at his behavior in class or his struggle to fit the mold of a “typical” student. If he still wears floaties this summer, I’ll embrace it and celebrate his bravery. It no longer matters that he has been sounding out words for years but reads at grade level due to his focus challenges.
When he opts out of activities like tennis or Taekwondo because they overwhelm him, I’ve learned to accept it. If he colors through his piano lesson because he’s overstimulated, I’ve come to see that as okay.
While I still worry about his difficulties compared to his peers, my focus has shifted towards teaching him resilience and self-acceptance. I want him to understand that success is defined by effort, not just achievement. For every attempt, there’s a chance to learn and grow.
As we push children to achieve more, we miss the essence of simply being happy. Success is unattainable without happiness and self-esteem, and it’s crucial to learn how to cope with failure. Not every child will win trophies or be at the top of their class, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
He may never become a soccer player or a valedictorian, but I am confident that he will find his place in the world. What matters most is that he goes to bed each night feeling accomplished and happy.
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