A Neighborhood Manifesto for Real Moms

At home insemination

When my partner, Matt, and I first began dating, we resided in an apartment in the city where we were total strangers to everyone around us. Sure, we were familiar with the jerk who consistently snagged our parking spot and the loud guy who would drunkenly buzz our door at 2 a.m., but overall, we kept to ourselves. Our friendships were outside the apartment—no “apartment friends,” as we called them.

When we bought our first house in a suburban neighborhood close to Matt’s job, we were new to homeownership and spent our early years entertaining the neighbors with our landscaping misadventures. While they would come out to admire (or laugh at) our gardening attempts, we still lacked a solid group of friends to share Margarita Fridays or Saturday Game Nights.

That dynamic shifted dramatically once we had kids. With their arrival, neighbors appeared as if summoned—suddenly, we were part of a vibrant community filled with playdates, jewelry parties, and cornhole tournaments. Our kids made instant friends next door, and we toasted our newfound friendships every Friday night with margaritas.

However, beneath the seemingly perfect surface of our neighborhood, cracks began to show. Discontent over being excluded from gatherings, whispers surrounding an extravagant garage renovation, and debates about homes selling for less than their asking price made me ponder whether neighborhoods could benefit from a set of genuine guidelines—rules that went beyond the strict bylaws of homeowner associations. A manifesto, if you will.

Here are my thoughts on what should be included in a neighborhood manifesto:

1. I vow to always keep a stash of popsicles in my freezer and won’t be annoyed if your child requests one during the summer. No fancy brands here; we keep it real and cheap.
2. I promise that if I see your child riding without a helmet, I will shout, “Get back here and put that helmet on before you hurt yourself!”
3. I won’t take it personally if you skip my jewelry, kitchen utensils, or essential oils parties. In fact, let’s ban those events—no one should have to pay for products they don’t want.
4. During a natural disaster, I’ll assist your family however I can, whether that means sending my partner to help shovel snow or showing up with drinks to keep spirits high.
5. I will collect your mail and newspapers while you’re away and won’t judge if I find overdue bills.
6. If I bring food to a gathering, you can bet it’ll be store-bought, complete with the price tag still attached. Chips will stay in their bags, dips will have lids that come off, and all desserts will proudly state their bakery origins. Plus, every drink will be served in red Solo cups.
7. I will always have coffee and wine on hand. If you’re having a rough day, I’ll offer you a mug or a glass, and I promise not to judge if you choose “wine glass” at 9 a.m.
8. When “Thriller” plays at any event, I will get up and dance, complete with the famous evil laugh at the end. And I’ll promptly switch off any music made after 2000 in favor of ’80s classics.
9. Bus stop duties should be handled by the parents who are least behind schedule. All kids will be gathered and entertained until the late arrivals arrive.
10. If your dog makes a mess in someone’s yard, please clean it up. Not doing so may result in you being put in charge of planning the annual block party.
11. In the unfortunate event of a death or family emergency, please refrain from bringing lasagna or its variations. A bottle of wine would be more appreciated.
12. If a neighbor lists their home, all others are welcome to look up the listing online and critique the décor.
13. Recommended neighborhood party games include Cards Against Humanity, beer pong, and strip poker—Scrabble is banned from all Saturday night gatherings.
14. If you don’t receive an invitation to a neighborhood event, assume the host forgot, was embarrassed about running out of hot dog buns, or thought you’d just show up. Don’t sulk—just come on over!
15. Treat others how you wish to be treated regarding pool access. Let’s share the joy with those without a pool.

Being part of a neighborhood doesn’t have to resemble a scene from The Stepford Wives. These rules are ones I’d gladly follow. Toss in a monthly “Beer Money” collection and a block party featuring live music from Jon Bon Jovi, and I’d be set for life in this amazing community.

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Summary:

In this humorous manifesto, Jessica Lane outlines her vision for a supportive and relatable neighborhood community, emphasizing camaraderie, practical rules, and the importance of genuine connections among families. By sharing her personal experiences, she highlights the joys and challenges of neighborhood life, urging others to foster a nurturing environment.