Parenting
A More Effective Approach to Time Outs
by Jessica Lynn
Updated: Sep. 25, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 24, 2021
Time outs have faced criticism in recent years, particularly among proponents of “gentle parenting” and “attachment parenting.” In 2014, Time published an article outlining potential negative impacts of time outs on children, followed by another similar piece in 2016. Meanwhile, a post on Aha Parenting took a more extreme view, suggesting that any form of punishment could be detrimental. “When you punish a child,” the article argued, “you diminish their self-esteem and undermine the parent-child connection.” The recommended approach for upset children involves simply sitting with them and acknowledging their “big feelings.” While this method can be helpful in some situations—I’ve personally found success with techniques like “the heartbeat hug” during my children’s emotional outbursts—I believe time outs can be both beneficial and effective.
First, the sweeping advice to “sit with your child and validate their feelings” overlooks the complexities of tantrums. An older child throwing a fit—hitting, kicking, or throwing objects—may not require validation of their dramatic display. Instead, they need to understand that while feeling anger is valid, such behavior is not an acceptable way to express it. It’s essential for them to know that when they choose to calm down, you’re ready to discuss and help them work through their feelings.
It’s worth noting that if you think children never throw tantrums to put on a show, you might either have unusually compliant kids or none at all. I distinctly remember times in my own childhood when I would scream and thrash about to manipulate my mother into feeling sorry for me—almost like a villain planning my next move. And let’s be clear: I’m not discussing children coping with trauma, which requires different strategies and professional support.
I’ve used time outs with my kids effectively; they’ve learned to self-regulate, and our relationship remains strong. Now, at ages 15 and 11, they are thoughtful, creative, confident, and independent—traits any psychologist would affirm as positive outcomes of effective parenting. My sister and many friends have had similar experiences; those who maintain strong relationships with their older kids often incorporate some form of time out.
This is because, alongside time outs and other reasonable consequences, we utilize numerous other positive and authoritative parenting strategies. We actively listen to our children, validate their feelings, and model emotional regulation ourselves. We often discuss and rehearse how to handle uncomfortable feelings about difficult situations or rules. It’s crucial to communicate that while all emotions are valid, it’s not okay to unleash anger on those around you.
Of course, this is anecdotal evidence—why should anyone take my word for it? I’m not a psychologist or a parenting expert; I’m just a parent of well-adjusted kids who may have thrived despite my parenting methods.
However, research supports my perspective. The American Academy of Pediatrics endorses time outs as an effective discipline strategy. In fact, the doctors referenced in Time issued a correction on their website, clarifying that their views had been misrepresented. Dr. Siegel, a clinical professor at UCLA, noted that appropriate time outs—those that are brief and involve care—can be beneficial, pointing out that many time outs are often misapplied.
A study from the University of Michigan in 2019 confirmed that time outs are not harmful. Lead author Dr. Rachel Knight affirmed that when used appropriately, time outs can be very effective. Time even published a follow-up article acknowledging this shift in understanding.
How to Effectively Implement Time Outs
So, how can parents effectively implement time outs? Here are some key strategies recommended by the aforementioned experts:
- Plan Ahead
Communicate your intentions regarding time outs ahead of time. Explain it as a tool to help them manage their emotions, not as a punishment. For example, you might say, “I love you and want to help you learn to handle your emotions. Sometimes, that means taking a time out to calm down.” - Breathe
Pause to evaluate the situation before resorting to a time out. Sometimes a simple hug or redirection may suffice. - Stay Calm and Clear
If a time out is necessary, remain calm and explain why it’s happening. You can say, “I need you to take a time out until you can speak kindly.” - Be Consistent
Establish a consistent approach to time outs. They should be applied only when necessary, not for every minor infraction. - Don’t Expect Instant Results
Time outs are not a quick fix; behavior management is an ongoing process. Your child’s behavior may worsen before it improves as they test boundaries. - Revisit and Discuss
After a time out, engage in a discussion to explore what happened and how to handle similar situations better in the future. - Highlight Positive Behavior
Make it a point to acknowledge and praise positive behavior when you see it. “Great job cleaning up your toys right away!” This reinforces good behavior just as much as addressing poor behavior.
Time outs shouldn’t be viewed as a punishment but as a moment for reflection—helping children learn to pause and gather themselves. Even young kids can understand the value of taking a few minutes to reset. Honestly, we parents could benefit from a time out now and then too.
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Summary
Time outs can be a valuable parenting tool when implemented thoughtfully. By planning ahead, remaining calm, and being consistent, parents can effectively use time outs to help children learn emotional regulation. Praising positive behaviors and revisiting discussions post-time out further support this process.