As a lesbian mother, I can confidently say that many of us have encountered the suggestion that our children need a male figure to support them. In the U.S., approximately 4.3% of the population identifies as LGBTQ, and according to a 2017 report by the Family Equality Council, over 200,000 children are raised by LGBTQ parents. My wife and I understand our children’s needs, and a man living in our home is not one of them.
When we chose to grow our family, we were fully aware of the challenges ahead, including conception hurdles, family reactions, and the necessity of building a supportive community. These challenges are shared by all parents, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. Expanding a family shouldn’t come with the added difficulty of defending its structure.
Let me clarify: when my wife and I became pregnant, we were secure in our identities as mothers. We utilized a sperm donor and sought one who fit our family, but that does not make him “the dad.” What truly matters is that our children feel emotionally secure, which they do because of their two loving moms.
Recently, we found ourselves discussing how to approach the sex talk with our soon-to-be 15-year-old son. A well-meaning friend suggested he might need a man’s perspective for that conversation. This was a great opportunity for me to explain that we already had that talk. We know our son best and understand what resonates with him. Resources like “It’s So Amazing: A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Babies, and Families” have been helpful, but so have the discussions he has with his uncle and grandfather. Just because he doesn’t have a dad doesn’t mean he lacks male role models in his life. We communicate openly about everything, including sex, and do not need a man in our household to parent effectively.
To all the well-intentioned cisgender friends and family out there: lesbian moms and other LGBTQ parents are more than capable of providing everything their children need. We know how to build a community that supports our families. On Father’s Day, my son was asked if he wished he had a dad. He simply replied, “My moms have always been there for me,” and humorously added, “One of my moms is pretty masculine.”
Lesbian mothers don’t have to conform to traditional gender roles to raise our children successfully, especially our sons. Just because one of us presents in a more masculine way doesn’t mean she’s trying to fill a father’s role. The presence of a male or female figure does not determine the success of a household; what matters is the love and support provided by the parents.
Parenting is challenging enough without adding unnecessary questions about family structure. Kids with lesbian moms don’t need a dad any more than kids with heterosexual moms do.
For more insights on parenting and support for LGBTQ families, check out this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination, which you can find here. Additionally, if you’re interested in building a supportive community, consider visiting this link to engage with other like-minded individuals.
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In summary, our kids thrive in loving environments, and they don’t require a male figure to flourish. The emotional support and open communication offered by two moms can be just as effective, if not more so, than traditional family structures.