Dear Past Self,
Soon, you will get news that you’ve been dreading. From the moment the ultrasound showed potential markers for Down syndrome, you’ve been anxious about the call that will soon shatter your 20-week pregnant tranquility, leaving you on the cold floor of your new home.
As the tears flow and you struggle to find the words to comfort your friend, you will remember every negative stereotype you ever held about Down syndrome. You’ll recall the young girl who felt uneasy around a teenage boy in the pool, the college photo that led to an offhand comment about “having downs,” and the time you told your mother-in-law that while her son had a gift with children with special needs, you would never be capable of parenting a child with those needs.
Well, now you are that mother. It may seem like your world is unraveling, but you don’t realize that this little one is actually stitching your life back together. The parts of yourself that you’ve struggled with will be transformed by his presence.
When you meet the doctor, he might tell you that your son’s greatest aspiration will be to mop floors at a fast food restaurant. You’ll believe him for a while, and the grief that follows will be profound. There will be nights you spend on the shower floor, and mornings will hit harder, as the sunlight pouring in reminds you that this is all too real.
But soon enough, a spark within you will begin to reignite. Your journalism background may not fit into your new small-town life, but you can use those skills to explore a path forward. You’ll discover the concept of inclusion in schools, learn about college programs for young adults with Down syndrome, and connect with a mom who will introduce you to the Down Syndrome Diagnosis Network, a group dedicated to improving the experience of diagnoses like yours.
I wish I could take away the pain you’re feeling right now, but I wouldn’t if I could. This pain will lead you to new passions. You once shared the stories of others, but now you have your own narrative to tell, one that will resonate with thousands seeking encouragement. This journey will spark your advocacy—volunteering, enrolling in disability courses, and writing to make a difference for families touched by Down syndrome.
I wouldn’t erase this hurt, because without that extra chromosome, your son would not be who he is, and you wouldn’t become the person you are destined to be. Many of your fears—about how this will impact your daughter, your ability to travel, or managing without family support—are unfounded. Life will get busier with appointments and challenges, but this busyness will refine you. Don’t hesitate to ask for help when needed; it’s all for your son’s benefit.
On New Year’s Eve, you’ll welcome that sweet boy with almond-shaped eyes. He’ll look at you in a way that pierces your soul, marking not just his birth, but a rebirth of yourself.
Dear Past Self, this is not an end, but the beginning of a wondrous, new chapter.
With love,
Your Future Self