This letter has been overdue for quite some time, and I acknowledge that my reluctance to write it sooner stems from a position of privilege. I recognize my responsibility in not addressing the first instance when I overheard you use a derogatory term during a family gathering. Simply stating, “Please don’t use that word around me” or even walking away has never felt like enough.
I must also take responsibility for not confronting you when I realized that your views weren’t just born out of ignorance, but were a conscious choice to embrace bigotry as a part of your daily life. I remember being around seven or eight years old when I first heard you casually remark that “every southern family has a dark secret because we used to own slaves.” You seemed to find pride in a legacy that should instead evoke shame and horror.
What troubles me even more is your choice to identify with whiteness in this context. I have found no evidence in our family history that we owned slaves; we were immigrants struggling to survive in rural Louisiana and later in Texas. Yet, you seem to take pride in the idea that somewhere, a white person owned a black person. This is not just misguided; it is deeply troubling.
There is nothing admirable about our family’s association with “whiteness,” especially if we consider how that concept has been constructed. I recently changed my surname from a German name, which means “king,” to my grandmother’s maiden name. This decision reflects my desire to break free from patriarchal legacies that I do not wish to inherit. I kept my son’s last name linked to yours, Dad, out of a misguided attempt to maintain peace, but now I realize that I must take a stand against racism and patriarchy—not just passively resist it.
My first step in this direction is to change my son’s last name to mine, a name chosen by a woman in our family. I want to establish a matrilineal legacy for him, supported by two strong mothers committed to fighting against racism and sexism through our actions and entrepreneurship.
I know some family members do not share your views, but your silence allows this bigotry to persist. I urge you to join me in speaking out against it, even if it means standing up to your own partners. Many of you supported me when I came out as queer, but it’s clear that your support is conditional, based on the race of my partner.
It’s crucial to understand that bigotry is not a minor flaw; it is a defining characteristic. You cannot be “a little bit” bigoted. You are either against bigotry, or you are part of the problem. Regardless of whether my presence as a queer couple affects your views, we will continue to show up and be present.
For many years, I hoped that by avoiding confrontation during family gatherings, I could gradually change your minds. I thought that if I offered my love and understanding, you would reconsider your positions. However, my desire to be a positive role model for my son transcends the need to maintain a false sense of harmony. I now understand that love is expressed through honesty and vulnerability, not silence.
As my son grows, he is keenly observing how I navigate societal issues. It is my responsibility to demonstrate that I will no longer tolerate racist or sexist rhetoric, regardless of how casually it’s presented. You’ve always known my stance, but I haven’t held you accountable consistently enough. That ends now. I will confront each instance of bigotry directly, every single time.
Your niceness and good intentions cannot counteract the harm caused by the language and attitudes you perpetuate. I will not shy away from calling out these issues in front of my son; he deserves to see how to stand against intolerance, even within his own family. Though he is a white male, he will have the freedom to express his identity without the taint of white supremacy. He will learn that your worldview is not only flawed but immoral.
By changing my son’s last name, I am taking away the final remnants of your legacy, Dad. Your lineage will no longer carry forward your bigoted beliefs or the name you hold dear. If your racism has never cost you anything before, let this be its price.
This letter serves as both a warning and a commitment. As we gather for holidays and family events, I hope you can reflect on your beliefs and the impact they have on society. If you have felt the urge to write a similar letter, I encourage you to do so.
In conclusion, we must all strive to dismantle the structures of racism and patriarchy that have long shaped our family and society. Let’s take this step together.
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Summary
This letter addresses the author’s family regarding their racist beliefs, emphasizing the importance of accountability and the need to dismantle systems of oppression. The author expresses a commitment to fostering a more inclusive environment for their son and encourages family members to reflect on their beliefs.