When you look up the term “equally,” it defines something done “in the same manner or to the same extent.” This might suggest that all children should be treated equally. However, I believe that treating my kids equally isn’t the best approach because they are distinctly unique individuals.
I have a six-year-old with Autism and two neurotypical identical twins. My love for each of them is unwavering, yet they possess different strengths and challenges that demand tailored attention. Instead of striving for equality, I’ve learned to focus on fairness, ensuring that each child receives what they specifically need from me.
It’s important to clarify—I’m not suggesting that I give them differing amounts of candy, as that would undoubtedly lead to chaos and feelings of unfairness. However, the time, resources, and energy I invest in each of my children fluctuate according to their needs. For instance, one twin may require extra support when he’s under the weather, while on another day, his brother may need my assistance with a school project.
Why This Shift in Perspective?
When the aim is to make everything equal, individual needs can easily be overlooked. My available time and energy are finite, and if I distribute them equally, one child might end up with too much attention and another too little. By concentrating on what each child needs to thrive on any given day, I’m able to (a) spend my time more thoughtfully and (b) reduce my stress levels.
In the past, I worried about whether my husband and I were providing equal time to the kids. Now, I understand that their needs can vary greatly at different life stages. My husband and I both have our own strengths. There are phases where I excel with the three-year-olds, while he is much more adept at handling infants. We strive to fill in the gaps in our kids’ lives, whether it’s who gets more hugs, snacks, or storytime. Currently, our oldest favors spending time with my husband, while the twins are seeking my attention. This dynamic may shift in the future, but our focus remains on meeting their individual needs rather than adhering to an equal standard.
A Guiding Example
My mother-in-law has been a guiding example in this regard. She has navigated similar challenges with her three children, each with distinct requirements. Her eldest, my husband, is a lawyer and now mostly needs occasional babysitting and encouragement. As a child, he was homeschooled and required significant emotional energy. His younger brother, also a lawyer, needed less one-on-one attention as he was quite social and active in school. Their sister, much younger, is still in school and often needs personal time and support. Even now, she benefits from her mother’s thoughtful distribution of resources and time.
By emulating my mother-in-law’s approach, I began to prioritize giving my children what they need fairly, rather than equally. This shift has alleviated the pressure of trying to balance everything perfectly, especially with twins, and has fostered a more harmonious home environment.
Additional Resources
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Conclusion
In summary, embracing the idea of fairness over equality in parenting has transformed my family dynamics. By focusing on the unique needs of each child rather than striving for equal treatment, I can nurture their individual growth while maintaining a balanced household.