Shoe shopping with my two young boys has always been a stressful endeavor. I often postpone it until the last possible moment before school starts, negotiating with them just to try on shoes. When they finally do, their complaints echo in the store: “This one’s too big!” “That one’s too tight!” “The tag is itching me!”
This August was no exception. My oldest son, Benjamin, had his heart set on gray shoes, while my younger son, Oliver, insisted on blue shoes that light up. As we searched for sizes, it hit me that Benjamin had outgrown youth sizes. The saleslady, with kind eyes, looked at me and said, “Oh dear, I think he’s in men’s sizes now.” Benjamin beamed with pride, while I fought back tears, overwhelmed by this new reality. That night, as I tucked him in under his favorite blanket, I reflected on the exhausting shoe shopping trips of our past, but also felt a surge of pride for how far we had come.
Benjamin’s journey began when he didn’t speak until he was four years old, and we soon learned he was on the autism spectrum. I dedicated my days to driving him to various therapies, desperately hoping for a breakthrough. The progress came slowly, like a single grain of sand on a vast beach. My mantra became, “If I can just get him there.” A few years later, Oliver was diagnosed with autism as well—doubling our therapy sessions, worries, and milestones.
As time passed, the small victories accumulated. Benjamin learned to communicate and was even placed in a gifted classroom. Yet, as I began to take stock of my life, I felt a wave of regret wash over me. I had been so focused on reaching the next milestone that I overlooked the beautiful moments happening right in front of me. It felt like we were building a sandcastle on the beach but never looking up to appreciate the vast ocean stretching out before us. I resolved to be a more mindful parent and to cherish the magic of the present instead of fixating on the future.
The strange thing about milestones is how quickly they become routine. Once Benjamin could talk, I forgot the hours spent driving to therapy, replacing them with trips to tennis lessons and track practice. This became our new normal, as life has a way of flipping the hourglass on our existence.
Eight months into the school year, Benjamin told me his shoes felt too small. I looked down at the gray shoes he had chosen so carefully and noticed small holes forming at the toes. A few nights later, just the two of us went to the shoe store. He pointed out several pairs he liked, and I grabbed boxes in the next size up. To my surprise, he struggled to fit into them—he couldn’t get the next size on either. We were no longer just testing the waters of men’s shoe sizes; we were diving in headfirst.
Sitting on a bench surrounded by brands like Nike, Asics, and Mizuno, I saw my son for who he truly was—not the little boy who once couldn’t speak, but a young man with bigger feet than mine. As we walked to the checkout, he chatted about something, though I couldn’t focus on the words as the store began to swirl around me. The cashier remarked, “Oh! Big boy shoes!” Benjamin smiled widely, and I felt that familiar lump in my throat. The world felt like it was spinning out of control, and I struggled to grasp the changes. It dawned on me that time had passed so quickly—I couldn’t pinpoint when it began. Was it last month? Last year? Or last August, when we were just dipping our toes into men’s sizes?
I’ve read countless articles on mindful parenting, and I always heard, “Don’t blink.” Yet, the harder I tried to savor each moment, the faster they seemed to slip away. I found myself replaying memories in my mind, filled with gaps I couldn’t recall. I longed to relive the mundane, everyday moments that now felt lost to time.
This journey is both beautiful and heartbreaking. As I look at him, filled with pride, I realize my heart has shattered into countless pieces—scattered like sand, mingling with the tide, forever part of something greater. Though I can never fully piece it back together, those fragments are now part of our universe, preparing us for future lessons in love.
Until then, I’ll continue to tuck him in at night, feeling grateful for the few more Augusts we have together, and knowing there’s an entire shore upon which we can build.
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Summary
This heartfelt piece reflects a mother’s journey through the challenges of parenting two sons with autism, highlighting the bittersweet nature of milestones, the passage of time, and the importance of cherishing everyday moments. As her sons grow, she grapples with the rapid changes and the pride that accompanies their development, all while vowing to remain present and mindful in their lives.