Welcome to the third evening of the Republican National Convention! The theme tonight is “Make America First Again,” a clever play on the initials of the United States. With an impressive lineup of speakers and the much-anticipated entrance of Donald Trump, the atmosphere is charged with excitement. After the drama of the previous nights, one can only wonder what this evening has in store.
Let’s plunge into the tumultuous environment of this convention and see what unfolds.
Rick Johnson, Governor of Florida
Hello everyone, I’m Rick Johnson from sunny Florida! Before Mr. Trump descends from the rafters like some sort of political spider, I want to express gratitude for the support you’ve shown our state following the tragic Orlando shooting. The LGBTQ+ community has also asked me to convey their thanks and to urge you not to strip away their civil rights. But that’s their message, not mine.
Once upon a time, terrorism felt like a distant issue, confined to other nations. Now, we must ask ourselves: how many tragic events must occur before we face the truth? Here’s a thought: what do the shooters from Orlando, San Bernardino, and Fort Hood have in common? (Hint: it starts with an “M” and rhymes with “Uslim.”)
This is the year we can send politicians packing. Who better to lead this charge than a reality TV star known for saying, “You’re fired”? It’s almost poetic, isn’t it?
Pam Anderson, Attorney General of Florida
[While we would love to share Pam’s speech, we’re concerned she’s still recovering from her recent televised debate with a prominent journalist. Out of respect, the cameras chose not to broadcast her this evening.]
Col. Sarah Mitchell, Ret., First Female Commander, U.S. Space Shuttle
I know many have been eagerly waiting for someone to touch on space exploration. Well, it’s essential for our national identity. From the first settlers who arrived on our shores, Americans have always sought to explore what lies beyond. The Native Americans, however, might have had a different perspective on this journey.
Carlos Martinez, State Senator
Hello! Before Mr. Trump rises from below like a political groundhog, let’s talk about the Hispanic community. We have straightforward dreams, like escaping chaos and corruption to find solace in the United States. My parents did this legally, as many of you are aware. Under President Obama, we have seen increased division. Democrats do not deserve the Hispanic vote! [Cheers from the crowd]
Mark Thompson, Governor of Wisconsin
HELLO, I’M MARK THOMPSON, AND I CAN’T SEEM TO LOWER MY VOICE! AMERICA DESERVES BETTER THAN HILLARY CLINTON. WE’VE BEEN GOOD, AND WE WANT OUR COOKIE! HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH? TOO BAD, I HAVE MORE LOUD AND STRANGE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT EMAILS AND COLLEGE TUITION!
Linda Carter, The Eric Thompson Foundation
You know what? My life matters less in this country because I’m black. But Donald Trump believes in the value of all lives. I stand here to support him not in spite of my race, but because of it. Where has the campaign been hiding me? Who knows?
Senator David Brooks (via video)
*Sigh* So, Hillary isn’t great, right? Well, what’s our alternative? That’s all I’ve got.
Senator Ted Richards
Congratulations to Donald Trump on his nomination! Like all of you, I hope conservative principles prevail in November. This election is crucial. Is this our last chance to act for our families and our nation? Every day, I ask myself if I’ve done enough, and the answer is always, “Yes, Ted, you’ve done well.”
Our party was founded to abolish slavery and fight against injustices. Ironically, while I discuss these principles, the screen behind me seems to disagree.
We must support the values our nominee stands for. Vote your conscience, for the future of our country depends on it.
Newt Adams, Former Speaker of the House
Before Donald Trump’s hologram appears, let me clarify what Ted just said. He wants you to vote for someone upholding the constitution, and that’s clearly Trump.
Let’s discuss the threats we face! The majority of Muslims pose no danger, but there are just too many of them. We’re at greater risk now than before September 11th. If we survive until November, please cast your vote for Trump.
Michael Smith, Vice Presidential Nominee and Governor
I accept the nomination to serve as Vice President of the United States. For those who don’t know me, here are some keywords: veteran, farm, Reagan, family. I sound like a rational guy, right? Well, I also support forced funerals for fetuses! (Spoiler: I absolutely do.)
In a cowboy-style narrative, let me explain why we can’t allow Hillary Clinton to take charge. She represents the Status Quo. When Trump is President, change will be monumental.
Thank you, and may God bless the United States of America. [Trump enters stage right.]
This article was originally published on July 21, 2016.
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Summary:
This article reviews the third night of the Republican National Convention, featuring a variety of speakers discussing themes of patriotism, division within communities, and the upcoming election. The tone is critical of the proceedings, highlighting contradictions and absurdities in the speeches. The commentary underlines the stakes of this election and the importance of voting one’s conscience.