My four-year-old son, Max, is blissfully unaware of the Santa Claus myth. He’s seen Santa and St. Nicholas in various holiday books and notices the festive decorations in our neighborhood. My partner takes him to church, highlights the nativity scene, and opens an Advent calendar with him regularly, so we’re not completely neglecting holiday traditions. However, we maintain that Santa is merely a character in stories, not a real person who delivers presents.
I strive to be completely honest with my children. They should feel confident that any questions they have will receive straightforward answers—no evasive language or confusing metaphors like “Santa lives in our hearts.” We avoid euphemisms regarding death, and despite my partner’s religious beliefs, we aren’t introducing concepts like heaven. There are plenty of genuine tales of kindness and generosity shared during the holidays that can teach Max the importance of giving. I’m aware that he will eventually lose some of his innocent beliefs, such as thinking his parents are perfect or that adults always act selflessly.
To me, the enchantment of believing in Santa isn’t worth the moment of disillusionment that follows. I don’t equate “believing in Santa” with innocence, and I certainly don’t want to set my kids up for disappointment.
That’s our family’s viewpoint. I recognize that other families take a different approach, and while this is a minor disagreement, it’s not as pressing as issues like vaccinations or gun ownership. I’ve advised Max that some children believe in Santa and that he should respect their beliefs without arguing. He claims to understand, but at four years old, who knows? He also insists he has superpowers in his tummy.
However, this seemingly small difference in perspective can lead to some awkward moments when parents get upset over other children exposing the truth about Santa.
Recently, a mother shared her frustration in The New York Times after her third grader learned from a classmate that Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny aren’t real. The mother was outraged, blaming the classmate for ruining the magic for her child.
“I wanted to do something extreme to that truth-telling child,” she lamented. “Instead, I spoke to the boy’s mother to suggest that while I respected their view on Santa, they might want to keep their family beliefs private, especially during the holidays.”
But here’s the thing: my family’s beliefs are, in fact, rooted in reality. I don’t believe it’s my child’s job to uphold a fantasy for yours. The mother also criticized the teacher for not controlling the spread of this “information.”
Look, you can weave all the fairy tales you want, but it’s unreasonable to expect other kids to participate in your family’s fantasies. It’s absurd to be angry at a child for “ruining” Santa. When did we start holding children responsible for maintaining our illusions? How long do parents expect this charade to last? Until their kids are 8? 9? 43?
That’s why we don’t disclose our bank passwords or true feelings about family members to our kids—they can’t be relied upon to keep secrets. Eventually, some child will spill the beans. Wasting energy being upset about something inevitable is pointless. If your child is devastated by this revelation, it might be worth reflecting on your own role in their distress.
Young children often blur the lines between reality and imagination anyway. Max’s friend, Lily, has concocted a tale about a witch who sneaks into their home at night to eat her parents. The two of them love to share this story, adding increasingly bizarre details each time. They both know witches aren’t real, but they find joy in the fantasy, and I hope they continue to share stories and grow their friendship. That’s the kind of imaginative play I can support.
This article was originally published on December 20, 2014.
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Summary: This article discusses a family’s choice not to tell their child about Santa Claus and the implications of that decision, particularly in a social context where other children may still believe. The author expresses the belief that honesty is paramount and questions the expectation that children should maintain the fantasies of others.