“Prioritize an ongoing connection with one individual: yourself, who understands where to set boundaries on any given day and with any person.” — Martha Beck, Oprah.com
“Enough already, Martha.” — Me
Last year, I found myself in a whirlwind of responsibilities. I entrusted my children to a family friend while I hopped into a cab to deliver homemade meals to a new acquaintance whose husband was gravely ill, leaving her with three small kids. The cab ride was necessary because I had lent my car to a friend who needed to pick up his family from the airport. To add to the chaos, I had taken the afternoon off work to host a guest—my husband’s relative—while he was busy at his job.
I’m not recounting this to seek praise (though feel free to think I’m a saint). My intention was simply to be helpful. However, looking back at that chaotic day, I see the stress visibly glistening on my upper lip, poor time management skills, a frustrated guest, and my own professional responsibilities slipping away. My culinary efforts? A disaster, to say the least, with chili spilling from a plastic container and running down my leg onto the cab floor.
Did I feel good about supporting my friends? Of course. Was hosting family fulfilling? Absolutely. But juggling so many obligations that day drained my energy and left me feeling depleted. Days like that are not only stressful, they’re often unproductive. When I overcommit, I frequently end up accomplishing very little. What’s worse than an overbooked person? An overbooked flake.
So, I decided to take a step back from “doing the right thing.” I aimed to stop saying yes to every bake sale, request for help, and casserole delivery. This went against my instincts; wasn’t saying yes the expected behavior?
We all know those who never lend a hand when you need help moving, or refuse to accompany you home after a medical procedure. I even have relatives like that, and, truth be told, I always thought they were a bit inconsiderate. I didn’t want to be that person.
However, I realized I couldn’t keep overcommitting. I needed to lower my stress levels and minimize the self-loathing that came from not meeting others’ expectations.
How could I learn to say no without feeling like a selfish jerk?
First, I had to be honest with myself: many of my so-called altruistic actions stemmed from a desire to be liked or perceived as “good.” My giving was often a way to mitigate the guilt of my own blessings. Did that make me a different kind of selfish jerk?
Moreover, I began to consider that those with “clear boundaries” often lead happier lives. They understand their limits, aligning them with their priorities and interests. Perhaps it wasn’t that they didn’t care about others’ struggles; perhaps they had simply achieved a level of self-awareness that I lacked.
So, I went cold turkey on commitments, which is rarely a wise choice. Shortly after I began this journey towards healthier boundaries, a woman I barely knew received devastating news about a family member’s unexpected death while sitting right next to me. As she absorbed the shock, I felt torn between my work deadline and her need for support.
I held her hand for a brief moment and asked a few polite questions, but as she steadied herself, I withdrew my hand and returned to my laptop, feeling guilty for my lack of compassion. It’s a moment I wish I could redo.
Perhaps the answer lies somewhere in the middle. The idea that a community can achieve what an individual cannot, and that giving often leads to receiving, is beautiful. Think of traditional barn-raising events in some Amish communities—while they may not be essential in our modern world, they symbolize the power of community support.
I was fortunate to grow up surrounded by supportive family friends and neighbors who helped my single mother. They rallied around us during tough times, whether it was preparing meals or helping with events. The outpouring of kindness during my uncle’s passing brought me to tears, with neighbors delivering comforting meals without me having to specify dietary preferences.
Despite personal costs, I aspire to help others when they are in need. I’ll strive to find that balance, recognizing it likely lies just before the next unimportant obligation. After all, I hope that when my time of need arises again, someone will be at my door with a delightful kale salad and a sense of community.
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In summary, finding a balance between helping others and maintaining your own well-being is essential. Set boundaries that allow you to support your community without sacrificing your mental health.