What I missed out on in the form of stretch marks from pregnancy, I certainly gained in the form of hemorrhoids during my second child’s gestation. Those painful, tumor-like bulges around my backside are far from a badge of honor. While others flaunt their stretch marks as symbols of triumph, I’m grappling with these pesky pregnancy-related hemorrhoids. Honestly, I’m not even sure I want to acknowledge my current predicament.
The Beginning of the Saga
The saga began when I was just eight weeks into my second pregnancy. Initially, I was completely unaware of what was happening in my nether regions. I had always thought hemorrhoids were something that only affected the elderly.
One day, as the discomfort intensified, I decided to investigate. I headed to the bathroom, the only place in my house with a decent mirror. I dropped my pants, bent over, and cautiously peeked over my thigh.
OMG, WHAT THE HECK ARE THOSE?
Lumps and bumps clustered around my backside. Hemorrhoids are truly the worst.
In a panic, I yelled for my husband, “Google hemorrhoids! What do I do?!”
“I am not Googling hemorrhoids.”
“Please! Just find my phone!”
I quickly learned that relief resided in a tube of hemorrhoid cream, but that meant a trip to the grocery store or a pharmacy—public humiliation in full effect. Seriously? I had just gotten over the embarrassment of buying ultra-absorbent pads and tampons. But after two kids and countless periods, I realized I shouldn’t feel awkward about that.
The Grocery Store Dilemma
However, nothing could compare to the dread of venturing into the anal aisle of the store. It was me, surrounded by enemas, laxatives, and other rectal treatments. The only other patron there was a 90-year-old lady with two gallons of prune juice in her cart.
To add to my mortification, I had to carry the Preparation H tube to the checkout. I tried to conceal it in my hand, hoping to avoid the judgment of the cashier. I looked around, half-considering the absurd notion of stealing it instead. But getting caught with hemorrhoid cream would be worse.
I wished for a female cashier, someone who could sympathize with my plight. Instead, I was met with a teenage boy behind the register. Fantastic—he would probably tell his friends about the woman who bought hemorrhoid cream. I should have grabbed some eggs or milk to divert attention from my shameful purchase.
I placed the tube on the conveyor belt and feigned nonchalance, wishing I could say, “This is for my grandma.” But that would only make me look more guilty. Just as the cream was making its way toward the cashier, a hot firefighter in full gear walked up to my lane. I couldn’t help but glance back, because, when does that ever happen? He smiled, I smiled, and then I buried my face in the credit card keypad as the cashier asked, “Did you find everything okay today, ma’am?”
I wanted to scream. Just bag it already! I shot a death glare at the boy. “Yeeerrrrhhhsssssss,” I muttered.
He handed me the bag, and I bolted for the exit.
Finding Relief
Once home, I tore into the box. The instructions said to use wipes first? Great. Do we even have baby wipes? I grabbed some dried-out wipes from the kids’ bathroom, wet them, and prepared for the application. But then, I discovered a little inserter thingy in the tube—no way. I opted for a Q-tip instead.
For two weeks, I diligently used that cream. But when the hemorrhoids persisted, I finally went to the doctor, who confirmed my suspicions with a finger up the rear. Thankfully, he prescribed a stronger cream.
I couldn’t help but feel frustrated. So, you’re telling me I could have skipped all that public embarrassment and just visited a doctor? I’d gladly face a rectal exam any day rather than endure another awkward grocery store encounter—unless, of course, the doctor is attractive. Then, my backside might just have to say goodbye.
Further Reading
In addition to these humorous anecdotes, if you’re interested in more about pregnancy and home insemination, check out this insightful article on emotional preparedness at intracervicalinsemination.com. For those curious about artificial insemination, Wikipedia has a wealth of information.
And for those exploring options in assisted conception, don’t miss our post on the at home insemination kit.