You might be a parent if you can multitask like a pro, browning hamburger, pouring drinks, and chopping veggies all while balancing a baby on your hip and trying to manage a couple of toddlers who are impatiently waiting for their milk.
You can pause mid-bite to tend to a diaper emergency, then seamlessly return to your meal as if nothing happened. You’re capable of whipping up six dozen cookies at the last minute when your child suddenly remembers they need snacks for a school event happening tomorrow.
Catching vomit with your bare hands? No problem. You’ve mastered that art. You can lay back on the couch, eyes closed, yet still somehow know every move your kids are making.
Dining out with your children means more time spent in the restroom than at the table. You effortlessly respond to their endless questions with quotes from their favorite movies. And those big boogers? They don’t frighten you; you’ll pick them and wipe them on your pants with zero regrets.
You schedule your children’s check-ups well in advance, ensuring you’re on time, yet forget to book your own yearly appointment. You can brush your teeth while holding your three-year-old’s wiener during potty time.
Grocery shopping without a list? Sure. But you can recall Sally’s red sparkly headband from three weeks ago without a second thought. Laundry has taken over your life to the point where you’ve contemplated turning your home into a nudist haven.
You can juggle two board games while keeping up with your Words With Friends matches—and manage to win them all. Your go-to phrases include “get your finger out of your butt,” “we don’t eat boogers for lunch,” and “no, I don’t want to smell your fart.”
Your living room is no longer adorned with beer can towers but has transformed into a gallery of art made from substances that you suspect require hazmat removal. Despite your best cleaning efforts, your bathroom perpetually smells like pee.
Changing a diaper in the dark? You can do it without leaving any traces behind—except for that unmistakable stench that only bleach (or maybe amputation) can erase. You can navigate a dark room filled with toys and avoid stepping on any Legos, but in the daylight, they seem to multiply, and you’re cursing their existence.
You’ve learned to cherish a few moments of solitude in the bathroom, tablet or glass of wine in hand, regardless of whether you really need to go. Laundry days are dictated by overflowing hampers rather than the need for a specific shirt for a night out.
Discussing your child’s vomit over dinner feels as normal as chatting about the weather. You tackle math homework, or at least give it your best shot. And yes, you use glitter.
Most of your conversations revolve around bodily functions like poop, farts, burps, and boogers. While you may not relish every aspect of parenting—vomit, for instance—there’s a lot you wouldn’t trade for the world. Well, maybe except for the poop on the walls.
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In summary, being a parent is a wild ride filled with chaos, humor, and more than a few surprises. Embrace the mess and enjoy the journey!