Parenting Insights
By Emily Thompson
Updated: Feb. 12, 2021
Originally Published: Aug. 14, 2014
Let’s be candid: I allowed my baby to cry. I won’t dress it up with terms like “Sleep Training” or “CIO” (cry it out). I made the tough choice to let her cry so she could learn to fall asleep independently. It was one of the most challenging experiences I’ve ever faced as a mother, but it was absolutely essential.
One December night, during a time when my partner was away for work, my mother stepped in to help me manage my exhaustion. I was not just slightly sleep-deprived; it was a significant struggle. The infamous 4-month sleep regression had hit us hard, and I needed support.
My daughter, Lily, refused to sleep. On average, it would take us about two hours each night to get her to drift off. She’d fall asleep while nursing, and I would carefully place her in her crib, only to have her wake up and send us back to square one. Even after I finally succeeded, she would wake every hour or so. It was relentless.
Both of us were in dire need of rest, and it was clear the current routine wasn’t working. We decided it was time for Lily to learn how to sleep on her own. I knew it would be difficult, but I compared it to taking her for necessary vaccinations. She would cry (and so would I), but it was a necessary step.
That first night, Lily cried for 25 minutes while my mom kept an eye on the baby monitor and I sobbed in the shower. I felt like a terrible mother, convinced I was abandoning her. My mom reminded me, “She’s not hungry. Her diaper is clean. She is safe.” But all I could think was that she wanted me, and I wasn’t there for her. My heart shattered.
Just when I thought I couldn’t endure another moment, Lily stopped crying and fell asleep. Yet, instead of feeling relief, I was overwhelmed with guilt and sadness. I worried that I had emotionally scarred her, and that our bond would be irreparably damaged. The tears kept flowing.
The next morning, I rushed to her crib the moment she woke up, ready to embrace her and apologize profusely. To my surprise, she greeted me with a smile. How could she be happy after last night? Hadn’t I let her down? No, she was simply well-rested and content.
As the nights progressed, we experienced less crying. I braced myself for the initial anguish of that first night, but each subsequent night was a bit easier. My mom continued to monitor the situation, and though I still shed tears, each morning revealed a smiling Lily.
Sure, we still faced rough nights now and then, and naps were not always flawless. Yet, Lily became a significantly better sleeper and an overall happier baby.
Here are five reasons I made the decision to let my baby cry:
- We Needed Sleep: It’s a no-brainer, but as mothers, we often prioritize our babies’ needs over our own. While I could manage on little sleep for a time, my baby also needed restorative slumber to thrive.
- Co-Sleeping Was a No-Go: In desperation, I tried co-sleeping after hearing great success stories from other parents. However, after a series of failed attempts, I realized it simply wasn’t a good fit for us.
- I Missed My Partner: The arrival of a baby can disrupt a marriage, and when sleep deprivation enters the mix, it can feel like you’re just roommates. I longed for the connection we once shared, which was hard to maintain amidst the chaos.
- I Needed Time for Myself: As a stay-at-home mom, my days revolved around my baby. While I loved that time, I also cherished moments of solitude. The thought of unwinding with a glass of wine and some quiet time became a beacon of hope for me.
- It Was the Best Choice for Us: I recognize that this topic can spark heated debates. Some mothers understand my choice, while others may view it as unkind. Ultimately, allowing Lily to learn to soothe herself was what worked best for her readiness and our family dynamic.
As new mothers, we are bombarded with advice on “the right way” to do things, especially regarding sleep. Everyone has a story to tell about their method. What finally resonated for us was tuning out the noise, trusting my instincts, and listening to my daughter.
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In summary, letting my baby cry was a difficult but necessary choice that ultimately led to improved sleep for both of us. It’s a personal decision that each mother must navigate on her own terms.