When I embraced the role of a stay-at-home mom, the organization of my week transformed into something significantly more essential. I began to view time as segments—the pre-nap block and the post-nap block—each requiring thoughtful planning. This resulted in ten segments of time each week that needed to be occupied. By Sunday evening, those ten slots on my mental calendar would start to flash, demanding attention. An empty schedule would have me feeling restless by Tuesday.
I usually filled several of these blocks with errands, grocery shopping, and occasionally a cooking project that involved the kids. The library accounted for one unit. On particularly challenging days, a visit to the pet store to gaze at cats would suffice. Yet, this still left me with several empty hours—potential stretches of solitude and boredom.
These vacant units are precisely why stay-at-home moms (SAHMs) need their fellow mom friends. If, like me, you’re distanced from family, your mom friends become your primary support network. When we welcomed our second child, the mothers in my neighborhood launched a two-week casserole initiative. I found myself emotional while eating homemade pad Thai on day one, and my husband jokingly suggested we should have a third child just to keep receiving meals by day fourteen.
These moms take care of your children when you undergo foot surgery and keep you company during recovery. They share links to online sales with free shipping. When a sudden trip to the emergency room arises, they are the ones who step in to look after your kids while you wait for medical updates. They spend long summer afternoons with you, making lemonade and even teaching your kids how to play blackjack. They recognize that your son is eager for a personalized superhero cape and go ahead and sew one for him. They provide invaluable parenting tips, like filling the bathtub with shaving cream for a guaranteed 45 minutes of peace. In essence, for families where one parent is home, the SAHM (and the occasional dad) community serves as a second family—an assembly of supportive moms and surrogate siblings.
However, like any group, tensions can arise. Perhaps two moms have differing opinions on a minor topic, such as whether to let a child cry it out or how to handle playground disputes. When one feels judged or overlooked, it can lead to hurt feelings. Maybe some moms organize an outing without inviting everyone, causing disappointment. Conflicts and personality clashes can occur, as they do in any social circle.
These disputes can feel even more significant due to the intimate nature of this small community. It can resemble high school, where you interact within a close-knit group for a set period. The women in your SAHM circle play multiple roles—they are your coworkers, friends, and your children’s friends, making these relationships particularly vital. A fallout with a fellow mom can have repercussions not just for you but also for your child.
Recently, a friend named Sarah shared her frustrations with her brother regarding a disagreement with another mom in the neighborhood. He rolled his eyes and suggested, “This is so trivial, you need to go back to work.” His dismissal angered both of us for various reasons. This brother often relies on Sarah for last-minute childcare while he works freelance. She juggles his kids alongside her own by inviting over a friend or two to create a fun atmosphere, providing him free babysitting. When their elderly mother requires assistance, she is usually the one rushing to help while a friend looks after her child. He benefits from her social connections yet undermines her feelings about the relationships that sustain that network.
The belief that the dynamics among at-home mothers are less relevant or less meaningful than those in any other social group is widespread and dismissive. For those of us at home, these relationships are essential for our emotional health, the well-being of our children, and the community’s cohesion. Regardless of the reasons for leaving the workforce—be it personal choice or circumstance—we contribute to our community by filling gaps in social support, such as the lack of affordable childcare or eldercare. Our relationships are just as significant as anyone else’s, and it’s important to note that workplace and family dynamics can also descend into pettiness. Social dynamics and power struggles are universal.
In our community, the number of stay-at-home parents has declined as our children have grown older. I myself have returned to work, and the most significant loss I feel is no longer being part of that mom community. Those connections are meaningful to me, serving as both friendships and a substitute for the extended family I lack nearby. In a world where families are often spread thin and grandparents may not be accessible, these moms play an indispensable role in building community.
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In summary, the connections formed among stay-at-home moms are vital for emotional support and community cohesion, offering a different yet equally valuable perspective on social dynamics.