It’s a common refrain: parents are getting it wrong. Articles, television pundits, and parenting gurus often claim we’re too lenient, leading to a rise in stress among families. While it’s true that different approaches could benefit us, the solution isn’t more discipline or less patience for “difficult” children.
If I earned a dollar every time I encountered a so-called “bad” child who grew into an adult, I would be incredibly wealthy. The notion of badness doesn’t simply vanish; it lingers and emerges in unexpected ways throughout life. I don’t believe in inherently “bad” children nor do I consider most parents to be at fault. Rather, we are all entangled in a complex web of cultural expectations that clash with our evolutionary instincts and the genuine exploration of childhood.
Disclaimer: I am the antithesis of the typical parenting experts. My understanding of “discipline” diverges significantly from the conventional view.
This discussion is not focused on specific parenting methods; it’s about fostering respect—between parents and children, and among parents themselves. My guiding principle is simple: “Don’t be a jerk.” If I continue to model respect for my children and others, perhaps this mantra will resonate with them as they grow.
Respect doesn’t require agreement. I can respect you without sharing the same views. When I see you managing a distressed child in public, I won’t judge you. We’ve allowed societal judgment to overshadow the supportive community that once existed; it’s time to reclaim that.
But what does discipline really mean? Traditionally, we associate it with children behaving calmly in public, as opposed to a child throwing a fit in the cereal aisle. However, discipline, often synonymous with obedience, actually refers to a child’s ability to self-regulate their emotions. Not every child can do this, and no child can do it all the time. Evolutionally, we are wired to seek comfort from our caregivers, not to be perfect.
Children deserve respect—not in the sense that they should be indulged, but in the way we acknowledge their feelings. This can be a turning point. Parents who listen and do not demand obedience are often labeled as overly lenient. However, there’s a meaningful distinction between obedience-based discipline and a respectful approach that prioritizes long-term emotional health over immediate behavioral compliance.
Our fear of public judgment drives us to enforce behavioral norms much more aggressively than we do at home. While we may feel stressed during a tantrum in private, it’s nothing compared to the anxiety we experience in public. Humans have evolved to feel shame as a way to avoid conflict within groups, hence our heightened sensitivity to judgment.
Instead of thinking, “Kids will be kids; they just need help calming down,” we often hear, “Your children are out of control, what kind of parent allows this?” The truth is, a tantrum is not a reflection of poor parenting but rather a child’s expression of unmet needs or emotional regulation struggles. Children are not bad; they simply need guidance—just like we do when we face disappointments.
Let’s be honest, I also wish I could indulge in a dozen bags of marshmallows without consequence. The key is that we want our children to confide in us about significant issues as they grow. To do that, we must take their smaller concerns seriously. While we may not understand their fixation on a certain cup color or their desire for sweets over dinner, these issues are paramount to them and shape their future patterns of behavior.
It’s crucial to differentiate between acknowledgment and agreement. Granting children what they want is not the goal, just as it wouldn’t be appropriate to hand a teenager an IUD without discussion. Respectful parenting involves dialogue, disagreement, and compromise. It emphasizes love before judgment, the same way we wish to be treated in public when our child is having a meltdown.
We can respect differing opinions and extend kindness to those who choose alternative parenting styles, just as we can show love and respect to our children, even when they disagree with us. Disagreement doesn’t equate to wrongness; within our families, we can still offer the support that is so desperately needed.
Children will not always see eye-to-eye with us. They may express frustration loudly in public and accuse us of being unfair. But if they can confidently voice their opinions about marshmallows now, they are more likely to assert themselves later in life when faced with peer pressure. Encouraging this healthy expression of feelings fosters a pattern of behavior based on respect rather than rebellion. Responding with love and empathy reinforces the idea that our love is unconditional, not contingent on their behavior.
Goodness isn’t defined by actions; it’s an intrinsic quality in every person. Children are innately good; they may sometimes engage in questionable behavior, just as adults do. The mother struggling with her child in the store might simply be having a tough day—she’s not a bad parent.
By nurturing empathy and respect through kindness and modeling, rather than the traditional “you will obey” approach, we can address present challenges more effectively. Children are capable of far more than we often recognize, and our harsh judgments of each other can lead us to treat our children with similar severity. A supportive community, free from judgment, can alleviate the pressure for quick fixes and foster understanding among parents.
The loss of community support to judgment is a significant issue. Together, we can strive for something better.