The dish towel is merely a symbol. “Why am I the one who knows which cloths are for drying hands and which ones are for cleaning surfaces?” she wondered. “How did I end up making all the decisions in our home—like where to keep the spare diapers and what juice boxes to buy for parties—while he occasionally gets it wrong and I find myself frustrated?”
The Foundation of Love and Roles
Research by Dr. Ellen Lamont, a sociology professor at Appalachian State University, provides some insight: two recent studies reveal that the gender roles established by heterosexual couples during their dating phase tend to persist into marriage. Dr. Lamont interviewed 38 young women and 31 young men in San Francisco about their dating habits, focusing on who takes initiative, pursues, and pays for dates. Despite all participants identifying as progressive or feminist, most demonstrated a preference for traditional dating norms, expecting men to initiate, pay for dates, and eventually propose marriage.
What’s particularly revealing is that women often reinforced these traditional roles. They would wait for men to ask them out and view a man accepting their offer to pay for a first date as a mark against him. Women hinted at marriage proposals but wouldn’t take the step to propose themselves, fearing that taking on a more active role would make them seem desperate or lead to social consequences. Men, on the other hand, adhered to these gender expectations, believing they were fulfilling women’s desires.
Dr. Lamont noted that many women subscribed to the idea that men resist commitment while women are eager for it, even though many men expressed a willingness to marry and women often hesitated to commit too early.
This belief in gender essentialism influenced their behavior, as many women held views about men naturally wanting to be the aggressors in courtship. Even when women orchestrated their own proposals—like selecting rings or discussing marriage—the public narrative often depicted the man as the one who surprised the woman.
Navigating Marriage with Traditional Expectations
While most women wanted to engage in traditional courtship rituals, they also desired an equal partnership in marriage regarding finances, childcare, and household responsibilities. However, once married, couples frequently fell back into conventional roles concerning domestic duties. Dr. Lamont observed that many men who identified as feminists found themselves justifying an unequal distribution of household chores, suggesting that tasks like cooking or cleaning were simply things their wives preferred.
Both men and women framed this division of labor as a matter of personal preference rather than recognizing the underlying cultural influences at play. Women often felt they needed to adjust their actions to align with what they perceived to be men’s inherent desires. They frequently felt pressured to agree to exclusivity before they were truly ready, believing that finding a commitment-ready man was a rare opportunity.
Dr. Lamont highlighted that these entrenched gender roles were often rationalized as individual choices. Women would claim, “I’m just shy; I prefer to be asked out,” masking the societal expectations that shaped their actions.
However, this situation often left women feeling frustrated and unfulfilled, as they had to navigate a system that both limited their options and reinforced norms for those with fewer resources to challenge these inequalities. By adhering to traditional courtship practices, men benefited from the privilege of agency in their romantic lives, while women were left managing the logistics of household responsibilities.
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Summary
In summary, the research reveals that traditional gender roles established during dating often persist into marriage, leading women to take on the bulk of household decision-making despite their desires for equality. This dynamic showcases the complexities of modern relationships, where both men and women navigate societal expectations that shape their behaviors and choices.