“Darling, something’s off with my perineum!” I holler to my partner.
“Your what?” he replies, confusion etched on his face.
“My perineum, also known as my ‘taint’ since it’s neither the vagina nor the rear end. I can feel this weird bump, and it’s stinging, but I can’t see it!”
“Could it be a hemorrhoid?” he suggests. “Have you been straining?”
“Perhaps. This pregnancy has definitely thrown a wrench into my usual routine. Do you think you would recognize a hemorrhoid if you saw one?”
“I might, but I’m not sure I want to see one on you,” he says, clearly hesitant.
I can understand his reluctance; after all, this is the same man who rushes to the bathroom to hold my hair back during my bouts of morning sickness. To me, that’s way more unpleasant than any examination of my taint, but he insists on caring for me, even as I’m trying to shout “stay back!” through my retching.
Eventually, he hands me a tube of Preparation H and walks away. The bump begins to feel better almost instantly, confirming his diagnosis, which saves me from the awkward conversation at my next OB appointment.
When I first met my partner five years ago in a dimly lit bar, I never imagined I would one day be asking him to check on my pregnancy-related hemorrhoids. Pregnancy has a way of stripping away the mystery of intimacy. The sense of privacy vanished when I started peeing with the door wide open. I know it sounds ridiculous, but if I didn’t, we would never finish a conversation—my bathroom trips have become that frequent.
Moreover, every time I sneeze, I seem to pee a little too, and with my allergies to dust and my strong aversion to cleaning, let’s just say my sneezing fits have turned our home into a bit of a disaster area. I’m like an untrained puppy my partner never signed up for.
And don’t get me started on the gas situation. I could fuel a small boat at this point! I can burp the alphabet backwards. If you poked my belly with a pin (please don’t), I’d probably float away like a balloon in a cartoon.
The miracle of life can be quite disgusting at times.
None of this, however, holds a candle to the sheer panic that ensues in the delivery room. The thought of “Stay up here by my head or you’ll be scarred for life!” is terrifying. The reality of pooping during delivery, crowning, and episiotomies are visuals you simply cannot unsee.
There really should be an emotional epidural for partners, some way to promote post-pregnancy amnesia. I suspect it might already exist, or else no one would ever want to have another child after the first one.
Thank goodness for science, right?
For those navigating this chaotic journey, check out this great resource for pregnancy and home insemination at IVF Babble. And if you’re curious about artificial insemination, you can learn more in our post about Couples Fertility Journey for Intracervical Insemination. For comprehensive maternity resources, visit Intracervical Insemination.
In summary, pregnancy can be an unexpectedly messy and humorous experience, filled with unexpected challenges and awkward moments that redefine intimacy and privacy.