A few weeks ago, I accidentally bumped into a woman with a revolving door at my local gym. I really wish I could say it was intentional, but it was purely a mistake. With a baby in one arm and a folded stroller in the other, I was navigating the door as best as I could. Meanwhile, a guy behind me, eager for his workout, pushed the door with a lot of force. The woman in front of me stepped out but didn’t fully clear the way, and when my door swung around, it knocked her sideways.
“Sorry!” I exclaimed instinctively.
She shot back, “NEXT TIME BE MORE CAREFUL,” right in my face. The onlookers around us either rolled their eyes at her or me, who knows?
It was a petty incident, but it stuck with me for days, playing on a loop in my mind like a catchy song. I kept replaying the moment and wishing I had come up with a clever comeback, like “It’s just a revolving door!” The incident seemed trivial, but it stirred up deeper feelings of past grievances, and I realized I didn’t want to carry that anger. Holding onto this grudge was disrupting my otherwise happy life. Each time I tried to dismiss it, it would pop back into my head, like an annoying reminder of unresolved fury.
This made me ponder: How do people cope with deeper hurts like betrayal or abandonment? Why do some individuals manage to move on while others dwell on their pain for years? While some people seem to effortlessly “let go,” I was struggling with even a minor grievance.
To understand this better, I reached out to three experts in the field of forgiveness.
The Organizational Psychologist
Dr. Alex Carter, a professor at the University of Washington, explains that one of the key factors in the ability to forgive is empathy. “When we think about someone who has wronged us, we often focus solely on their negative traits,” he said. “But it’s essential to remember that most people are just trying to do their best, and their mistakes are often unintentional.”
Dr. Carter suggests that shifting our perspective can help release anger. “Try to see the situation from the offender’s viewpoint,” he advised. “Remember times when you’ve made mistakes; you likely didn’t judge yourself too harshly.”
When I asked him how to stop ruminating, he offered an insightful piece of advice: “Think of your forgiveness as a gift you can give the other person, allowing them to feel relief as well.” He emphasized that suppressing thoughts typically doesn’t work; instead, we should change how we think about the conflict.
For more serious situations, like co-parenting with an ex after a difficult breakup, Dr. Carter suggested recognizing that both parties usually have the child’s best interests at heart.
The Mindfulness Expert
I also consulted with Lisa Reynolds, a mindfulness instructor at the University of Miami. She noted that our minds often drift back to past events, especially those that cause discomfort. “Mindfulness teaches us to redirect our attention to the present moment,” she explained. “Instead of getting lost in old stories of hurt, we focus on our breath and body.”
Lisa emphasized that many negative feelings stem from the narratives we create around our experiences. “Sometimes, we hold onto grudges because they teach us something about ourselves,” she said. “But in the end, the only one suffering is us.”
In her perspective, acknowledging the pain is important, but so is moving beyond it. “Mindfulness is about finding a personal sense of peace without reliving the original hurt,” she added.
The Spiritual Perspective
Finally, I spoke with Father Thomas Hayes, a local priest who offered a religious viewpoint on forgiveness. He quoted scripture, “Whose sins you shall forgive, they are forgiven them” (John 20:21-23), and emphasized the importance of self-forgiveness first, often through acts like Confession.
Father Hayes explained that when someone hurts us, it can be painful, but reflecting on the crucifixion of Jesus reveals that he endured suffering without wrongdoing. “By offering our pain at the cross, we can rise above it,” he suggested. “Holding onto pain can paralyze you, which is not what the Lord intended.”
All three perspectives encouraged letting go of the narrative associated with our injuries, whether by practicing empathy, mindfulness, or spiritual reflection.
After considering the perspective of the woman at the gym—perhaps she was having a rough morning—I found a sense of sympathy for her. I realized that dwelling on the incident only harmed me, not her. By focusing on understanding and compassion, I managed to release my anger.
In conclusion, engaging in life, focusing on your family, work, and passions is the best way to lessen the impact of negative incidents. Just like healing from a physical injury, strengthening the areas around past hurts can help you move on.
For more insights into managing emotions and other related topics, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination, or learn about labored breathing in toddlers and its causes. And if you’re interested in home insemination, be sure to explore our guide on the Cryobaby Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit.
Summary
Letting go of grudges can be challenging, but understanding different perspectives—whether through psychology, mindfulness, or spirituality—can help ease the burden of past hurts. By focusing on empathy and the present moment, you can find peace and move forward in life.