Recently, I stumbled upon several articles touting “5 Ways to Delight Your Partner,” and honestly, they left me more amused than inspired. Here’s how those suggestions would unfold in my home.
Suggestion #1: Welcome him at the door in an apron and heels when he arrives from work.
Reality Check: After putting the kids to bed early, I decide to embrace the theme. The only apron available reads, “I’m not aging; I’m marinating,” but it’ll suffice. As for the heels, those haven’t seen the light of day since before my first child arrived. There I am, rummaging through boxes in the basement, clad in nothing but an apron, when my four-year-old sneaks out and exclaims, “Eww! Mom’s booty!” Fast forward to my husband coming home late to find his “marinating” wife passed out on the couch with a bag of potato chips perched on her chest and mismatched heels.
Suggestion #2: Surprise him at work, wearing just a trench coat and heels, and lock the door behind you.
Reality Check: My 20-year-old babysitter and 65-year-old neighbor are left scratching their heads as I leave the house resembling a summer version of Inspector Gadget. The kids whine, “I wanna dress up like Perry the Platypus too!” Upon reaching my husband’s office, the security guard insists on checking my bag before granting entry. I turn bright red and make a hasty retreat back to the minivan.
Suggestion #3: Send a sultry selfie, with bonus points for a little skin.
Reality Check: I end up Googling “permanency of text messages” while pondering the appropriateness of sending a risqué photo to my husband’s work phone. Nothing says sexy like hiding in the bathroom, trying to master seductive looks while ignoring the kids banging on the door. Just to add to the challenge, I dodge a puddle of pee surrounding the toilet. Ultimately, I decide to just avoid including my face. Hours later, my husband responds to my photo with, “Did Tommy get another spider bite? It looks bad this time.”
Suggestion #4: Sit on his lap, gaze into his eyes, and tell him he’s your hero and your dream man.
Reality Check: As I attempt to settle onto his lap, my husband keeps shifting to make room. I finally declare, “I’m trying to sit on your lap,” to which he replies, “Why? We have a big couch!” Our two-year-old overhears and promptly claims daddy’s lap. With two more kids squeezing in between us, I lean over and whisper, “You’re my hero” into his ear. He scratches his head and responds with a confused, “Huh?” while switching Netflix to a Superman cartoon.
Suggestion #5: Make a reservation at his favorite restaurant and whisper halfway through the meal that you’re not wearing any underwear.
Reality Check: His favorite spot? I consider the $3 pizza place or the local fast-food joint with a play area, but then remember we’ll have some time to ourselves. After the salad course, I lean in and whisper, “I’m not wearing any underwear.” He promptly tells me about the spinach stuck in my teeth and asks, “Oh, are we low on clean laundry?” After two glasses of wine, neither of us is in the mood for much more than passing out with our mouths agape before crashing into bed in comfy drawstring PJs and back into my booty-covering undies.
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In summary, while these suggestions might sound appealing on paper, the reality of family life often leads to hilarious and relatable outcomes. From unexpected wardrobe malfunctions to the chaos of kids, it’s clear that genuine connection often comes in the most unglamorous forms.