I Am Completely Exhausted

Adult human female anatomy diagram chartAt home insemination

I am completely exhausted. Last night, I somehow managed to sleep in my king-sized bed, share a top bunk, occupy a twin-sized bottom bunk, and rest my head on a Boppy while lying on the floor next to the crib—all between 10 PM and 6:30 AM.

I am so drained that my pacing at night has left marks on the hardwood floor. I should invest in a pedometer; I’m pretty sure I burn more calories during those late-night hours than I do throughout the day. Forget that, I definitely do burn more, especially with all the walking and constant breastfeeding.

I’m so tired that even the dog has opted not to sleep in my room anymore—he’s not nocturnal and needs his rest.

I am so worn out that I accidentally poured orange juice into my coffee. I even managed to squeeze tinted moisturizer onto my toothbrush instead of my face cream. The other day, I put my pants on inside out and didn’t realize until I got to my Pure Barre class, where the other women gave me odd looks. I quickly ducked into the bathroom to fix it.

I’m so fatigued that I’ve checked the freezer for my keys, recalling past instances of misplacing them there while unloading groceries. I even put my home phone in my purse while driving my kids to school this morning.

I’ve ended phone calls after making appointments only to instantly forget the details, leaving me too embarrassed to call back. My five-year-old even noted on a Mother’s Day project that my favorite thing is sleep and my go-to drink is coffee.

I can’t recall the last time I had a full night’s sleep without waking up—it must have been over two years ago. I’m utterly exhausted because I’m a milk provider for a nine-month-old. I’ve googled “baby sleep” more than a thousand times in the past nine months, and it infuriates me to read stories from parents who claim their babies slept through the night at six weeks old due to a “nighttime routine.” Thanks for nothing, anonymous parent; I’ve never tried one of those.

I feel rage when I see Facebook updates from friends celebrating their first child’s sleep success at just a few months old; they don’t know the struggle of raising a child who doesn’t sleep well. I own over a dozen sleep guides, yet I still feel lost.

One time, while three kids screamed in the back of the van, I thought I might have hit a parked car. I was late for an appointment and couldn’t stop, but when I returned five minutes later, the car was gone. I ended up confessing my fears to a police officer, who kindly advised me to go home and take a nap—he said I looked like someone who might be taken advantage of in my current state.

With the baby on my hip, I explained to him that my minivan had strange dimensions, which led to my constant scrapes and bumps into trash cans. I even told him my husband had done the same.

One day, I attempted to park my minivan next to the curb on an empty street, but it turned into a comedy of errors, all witnessed by a construction worker. Eventually, I had to drive around the corner to park, unwilling to let him see my struggles. After having three kids, I’m convinced that parking skills are the first to go when sleep-deprived.

Engaging in small talk has become nearly impossible. I often put my foot in my mouth and walk away feeling embarrassed. Just yesterday, when my daughter’s teacher complimented her pink Converse, I mistakenly mentioned that her husband loved shoes—what I meant was my husband!

I am so tired that I find myself mindlessly snacking on chocolate chips or leftover Halloween candy just to get through the afternoon until bedtime. I acknowledge that I brought this on myself. With three children under five, the chances of at least one waking up in the middle of the night are incredibly high. If I’m up three times with the baby and twice with my three-year-old, that totals five interruptions. Three kids equals never sleeping.

I understand what it means to feel “bone tired.” I literally ache. I now comprehend why sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture. I urgently need to sleep train the baby—STAT.

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In summary, parenting can be incredibly exhausting, especially with multiple young children. Balancing sleepless nights, chaotic days, and the constant demands of motherhood often leads to humorous mishaps and relatable struggles. Yet, amidst the fatigue, it’s essential to seek help and find resources to navigate this challenging journey.