We’re all familiar with the tale of Romeo and Juliet: young lovers who become infatuated, only to conclude that they cannot exist without one another, leading to their tragic ends. While this narrative is often seen as a poignant depiction of true love, there’s a crucial element that’s frequently overlooked—the entire saga unfolds over just one week. In that brief period, both Romeo and Juliet become utterly convinced of their destiny together, to the point of choosing death over separation. One might argue that this premise is somewhat absurd.
The concept of “soulmates” is increasingly viewed as impractical—what are the odds that you’ll actually find that one perfect person for you? Although many of us recognize that endlessly searching for the ideal partner may not be the best approach to lasting happiness, we also hesitate to settle for less than our expectations. So, what’s the solution?
What Romeo and Juliet Got Wrong
I believe the flaw in the “perfect match” idea lies not in setting high standards for relationships, which is essential, but rather in the misguided belief that a successful relationship is merely about finding the right person. If the secret to lasting happiness is indeed discovering your ideal partner, then after that, you might assume you can relax and enjoy life. However, if your partner stops bringing you flowers and instead spends days on the couch binge-watching shows, you might start to question whether you were truly right for each other.
Recent research from the University of Toronto, published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, reveals that this “meant to be” mindset can actually damage relationships. The study examines two perspectives on relationships: the unity framing, which views partners as “made for each other,” and the journey framing, which sees relationships as a shared experience of growth and overcoming obstacles. The findings indicate that couples who adopt a journey perspective handle conflicts more effectively than those who believe in unity.
This distinction makes sense—if you and your partner are “meant for each other,” any disagreement might seem like a sign that you’ve made a mistake. Conversely, viewing your relationship as a journey allows you to see conflicts as temporary challenges rather than evidence of incompatibility.
Mindsets Matter in Relationships
Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford, discusses similar attitudes in her book, Mindset. She differentiates between a fixed mindset, where individuals believe their traits are static, and a growth mindset, which embraces the idea of change and improvement. Applying this to relationships, those with a fixed mindset may view love as binary—either it’s right, or it’s wrong—while those with a growth mindset recognize that successful relationships require effort and development. Dweck’s research indicates that individuals with a growth mindset tend to navigate challenges more adeptly and achieve greater success.
While compatibility is undoubtedly important in a relationship’s success, it is not the sole determinant. Every couple will face hurdles, and believing you are “made for each other” might complicate your ability to navigate these challenges. Although letting go of the “meant to be” narrative may seem less romantic, it can ultimately foster resilience and growth in your partnership.
We should heed the insightful words of comedian Tim Minchin: “Love is nothing to do with destined perfection, the connection is strengthened, the affection simply grows over time.” This perspective is healthier than the notion of “star-crossed lovers,” and it encourages a more realistic view of love.
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In summary, moving away from the “perfect match” mindset can enhance our relationships, allowing for growth and resilience.