Dear little one,
There’s something I’ve kept to myself for quite some time: before you, there was another baby. I was young and not in a position to care for him, so I entrusted him to a loving family who desperately wanted him. The decision shattered my heart. I carried him for months, knowing he would never truly be mine. I wrestled with the thought that he belonged to me, but deep down, I understood that he would belong to them. They would be his parents, while I would simply be his birth mother. He wouldn’t know my face or seek my comfort during sleepless nights, and that realization was bittersweet.
In the whirlwind of the hospital, I caught a fleeting glimpse of him, and my heart was instantly captivated. This tiny being, who had shared my body for so long, was now in the world. He looked at me, his eyes reflecting the time we had spent together. He was my closest companion through all the tears and trials, yet he was destined to grow up with another woman. She would be the one to comfort him, to cheer him on during his adventures, and to teach him the ways of the world. A surge of jealousy washed over me for the woman who would share her life with my child, worrying about him as he grew.
I feared that he might think my role in his life was merely physical, that I didn’t care enough to keep him. The truth was far more profound: I loved him so deeply that I made the painful choice to ensure his happiness. Each day since that moment, I have wondered about him. Where is he now? What is he doing? Will our paths ever cross again?
Now, six years later, I hold you in my arms. You have just entered this world, and your eyes, the same ones that once grew within me, are now gazing up at me. Your arrival is a result of a series of thoughtful decisions, in stark contrast to the chaotic emotions that surrounded my first pregnancy.
With the first baby, love came with heart-wrenching pain, but with you, there is peace. I can finally embrace you as my own—to cherish, nurture, guide, and love. You are mine to keep. I hope that one day you might meet your older brother.
Both of you have transformed my life in ways I never thought possible. You lived inside me for months, and now you will share your life with me as I become your mother. I will worry about you daily, reminding you to wear your jacket and not to run with scissors, all while teaching you to make wise choices. It is a profound gift to have the chance to raise you, and in doing so, you have redeemed my journey as a mother.
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Summary
This heartfelt letter describes the journey of a mother who gave up her first child out of love, reflecting on the bittersweet emotions tied to that experience. Now, as she welcomes a new baby into her life, she embraces the joy and responsibilities of motherhood, hoping for a future connection with her first child.