In this reflection, I’ll refer to my partner as Mark. Mark is of Italian and Irish descent, having grown up just outside Boston. Essentially, he fits the traditional mold of being white. As he navigates daily life—whether it’s taking the kids to school, riding the subway, or enjoying the privileges that come with being part of the dominant culture—he encounters many individuals who share similar backgrounds. While they may not have an exclusive handshake or nod, there’s an unspoken camaraderie among them.
On the flip side, individuals like me, who are half-Asian and half-white, often share a unique connection. We acknowledge each other with a subtle nod or glance that conveys, “I see your mixed heritage, and I understand.” I refer to this as “The Hapa Moment.”
“Hapa” is derived from the Hawaiian phrase “hapa haole,” meaning half-white, and has come to represent those of mixed Asian descent. In the past, being half-Asian was a rarity, prompting many questions during my childhood and teenage years: “Where are you from?” and “What are you?” My personal favorite was, “Ni hao, do you cook Chinese food?” (My answer: California, human, and No, you’re rude).
Initially, these questions were uncomfortable yet oddly gratifying; they made me feel unique, as if my presence was noticed. In a predominantly white environment, where ordinary experiences included shopping for sugar cereals and eating tuna casserole, my family stood out. Our traditions included dim sum in Chinatown alongside family barbecues and pasta nights. I was proud of my heritage.
However, adolescence marked a shift. Male strangers often used my appearance as an awkward icebreaker, leading to cringe-worthy comments like, “My last girlfriend was Japanese.” Such exchanges felt both insulting and ignorant—like the time a disheveled old man asked if my boyfriend “liked Chinese food,” leaving me wanting to scrub myself with bleach.
When I first met Mark, I never thought to ask if he excelled at making mashed potatoes or if he had ties to the mob (though I do love to joke about drinking). Unlike me, he isn’t objectified or exoticized based on his appearance. His name is distinctly Irish, and while he identifies more with his Italian roots and makes an exceptional marinara sauce, he can choose when to share these details—something I never had the luxury of doing. People often assigned their own narratives to my identity before I could even express it.
When I encounter other half-Asian individuals in their 30s or 40s—perhaps fellow parents at my children’s school—I find comfort in our shared experiences. Instead of facing the usual stereotypes, I connect with them over mutual memories. Maybe they once endured a high school date asking if they wanted to order “slope chow” or had an unpleasant encounter with a veteran who hurled racial slurs at them.
Today, being mixed-race isn’t as uncommon, and it’s refreshing to see more diverse couples—shockingly, sometimes the Asian partner is male! Cab drivers, once the worst offenders of racial stereotypes, hardly acknowledge me anymore, possibly reflecting a broader societal shift as I’ve aged out of the “exotic Asian” stereotype. My children now see their friends as a blend of cultures, with everyone proudly declaring their fractions: “I’m a quarter Chinese, a quarter Italian, and a third Martian,” they say, as if discussing their Minecraft inventory.
We recently spent time with my extended Chinese-American family. Afterward, a white friend joked with my children, asking if they saw “a lot of Chinese people” during the trip. My son simply looked perplexed and replied, “Huh?” He hadn’t even noticed the ethnicity of his relatives; to him, everyone was just Auntie or Cousin. The distinctions between full Chinese, mixed-race relatives, and even those from other backgrounds were all blended into one big, diverse family.
Is this progress? My son likely won’t face the same racial humor directed at him, and my daughter probably won’t encounter the same crude jokes about “Oriental massages.” Yet, with their varied backgrounds, they may emerge almost…neutral. Their uniqueness will stem solely from their achievements, character, and abilities. While we are certainly gaining positive changes, perhaps we’re also losing something valuable in the process.
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In summary, my experiences with cultural identity and the evolution of societal norms have shaped my perspective on race and belonging. As the world becomes increasingly diverse, the nuances of identity may blur, creating both challenges and opportunities for future generations.