When it comes to parenting, I’ll be straightforward: I allowed my baby to cry. I won’t dress it up as “Sleep Training” or get overly technical by referring to it as “CIO.” I let my little one cry so she could learn to soothe herself to sleep. It was undoubtedly one of the most challenging things I’ve ever faced as a mother, yet it proved to be essential.
One cold December evening, while my husband was away for work, my mom stepped in to help me care for my sleep-deprived daughter. It wasn’t just the typical new parent exhaustion; we were both severely lacking in sleep. Harper had been caught in the dreaded 4-month sleep regression—an experience that still gives me chills to recall—and I was at my wit’s end.
Getting Harper to sleep was a nightly struggle that could take up to two hours. She would doze off while nursing, but as soon as I placed her in her crib, she would wake up, forcing us to restart the entire process. Once I finally managed to get her to sleep, she would awaken every hour or so. It was relentless.
Desperate for rest, I made the tough decision to teach Harper how to fall asleep independently. I knew it would be difficult, but I compared it to taking her for vaccinations—she would cry (I would cry), but ultimately, it was for her own good. It was time to remove the training wheels and let her learn.
On that first night, Harper cried for 25 minutes while my mom monitored the baby monitor and I sobbed in the shower, feeling like the worst mother. I felt as though I was abandoning her. My mom reassured me: “She’s not hungry. Her diaper is clean. She’s safe and not hurt.” True, but all I could think was that she wanted me. My heart shattered, and I felt utterly hopeless.
Just when I thought I couldn’t endure another moment, she stopped crying and fell asleep. However, instead of relief, I was left with guilt and sadness, convinced that I had somehow damaged our bond. The next morning, I rushed to her crib, ready to apologize profusely. But to my surprise, Harper greeted me with a smile, looking happy and well-rested. How could that be?
Each subsequent night saw less crying, and I drew strength from knowing that we were both in for a better experience. While it remained tough, my mom continued to oversee the monitor, and I cried, but each morning, Harper woke with a smile.
While we still face challenging nights, Harper is now a much better sleeper and a happier baby overall. My decision wasn’t made lightly, but here are five reasons I chose to let my baby cry:
- We Needed Sleep: It seems obvious, but as moms, we often put our babies first, even when we ourselves are exhausted. Harper was fussy and overtired, and we both needed quality sleep.
- Co-Sleeping Didn’t Work: In my desperation, I tried co-sleeping, thinking it might be the answer. Yet, my plans fell apart when I could neither relax nor keep Harper from waking up, ready for playtime instead of sleep.
- Missing My Partner: Having a baby can strain a marriage, especially when sleep is elusive. My husband became more of a roommate, and I missed our connection and shared moments.
- I Needed Time for Myself: While I cherish time spent with my baby, I also value my own space. Knowing I could unwind with a glass of wine while Harper slept peacefully was essential for my well-being.
- It Was Our Best Option: I understand this is a controversial topic. Some parents may judge, while others may resonate with my experience. Ultimately, allowing Harper to learn to sleep on her own was the right choice for us—it was what she needed.
In the midst of all the parenting advice out there, I found what worked best for us by tuning out the noise and trusting my instincts—and most importantly, listening to my baby.
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Summary
Allowing a baby to cry can be a difficult but necessary decision for parents. The author shares her experience of teaching her baby, Harper, to self-soothe for better sleep, highlighting the emotional struggles and eventual positive outcomes. This decision was driven by the need for quality rest for both mother and child, the failure of co-sleeping, the impact on family dynamics, and the importance of personal time. Ultimately, trusting one’s instincts and listening to the baby’s needs can lead to healthier sleep habits.