Did you catch the story about that café owner who threw a fit over a child making a mess? Or the restaurant that decided to bar kids after 7 PM? Absurdity at its finest. If you’re running a restaurant, how can you enforce that my child can’t be a little messy? But I digress—turns out, I’m completely in the wrong.
I genuinely feel awful when my kids turn into little tornadoes at the dinner table. The truth is, I’m often so busy trying to keep them in check that I forget about the people around us and how much we’re probably annoying them. By the time we leave, I’m just relieved to be done, thinking “Well, that was money well spent.”
So, here’s an open letter of apology to every server who has had the pleasure of waiting on my family:
Dear Patient Server,
Wow, we made it through dinner. Just barely. I can only imagine this wasn’t what you envisioned when you tied on your apron. Please accept my sincere apologies for all the chaos my family caused tonight. Here’s my list of regrets:
- I’m sorry my kid emptied every sugar packet on the table. I tried to tidy it up, but it’s tough when they’re all gooey.
- I apologize for chuckling when you mentioned the cocktail specials. I know I could use one—or six—but it’s hard to unwind when I’m dealing with two little ones who can’t even handle a fork. I promise I’ll come by to order that drink in about 18 years, or maybe tonight if my baby monitor reaches that far.
- I’m sorry for the little accident I had while laughing. Even post-c-section, I sometimes can’t control my bladder. What’s that about?
- I regret bringing my own snacks for the kids and hogging a larger table despite only one of us ordering. I appreciate your extensive kids’ menu, but my picky eaters won’t touch chicken fingers or mac and cheese. If you ever add peach yogurt or Pirate Booty to your offerings, please let me know.
- I apologize to the guests who sat down after us and discovered jelly all over their clothes. I should’ve warned you to check the underside of the table too.
- I’m sorry my child decided to taste the grated cheese shaker. I would have intervened sooner if I hadn’t been busy preventing my youngest from pouring yogurt into my purse—again.
- I regret that my kid watched Caillou on the iPad throughout the meal, repeatedly cranking up the volume. I have no idea why he’s four and still bald or why he’s so whiny. And by the way, that was the perfect moment for you to come back and offer those cocktail specials.
- I apologize for the disaster zone of peas, bananas, and Cheerios under the highchair when we left. I swear we didn’t bring a piñata in with us.
- I’m sorry about the wall incident. If you haven’t found it yet, you will soon.
- I regret that we probably scared away the table of adults next to us. Who wants to serve a bunch of pretentious drinkers anyway, right?
- I’m sorry for the glare I shot at you when you dared to mention dessert aloud. Moms have mastered the art of lip-reading when it comes to “Would you like a dessert menu?”
- And finally, I apologize for unbuttoning my pants at the table and forgetting to do it up before standing. I usually wear maternity jeans, but since I haven’t had a baby in over a year, I thought I’d try regular pants. Bad idea.
I hope you do something enjoyable with the generous tip we left to compensate for the chaos of the evening. You deserve every last penny!
See you next week!
Warm regards,
You know who
As a busy parent, I often find myself navigating the ups and downs of family life while trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy. If you’re interested in learning more about parenting and home insemination, don’t forget to check out our post on the At-Home Insemination Kit. And for more pregnancy-related resources, Healthline is an excellent go-to. Plus, those delicious Autumn Delight Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes are a must-try!
In summary, parenting in public can be a chaotic experience, but the laughter and love make it worth it. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed at a restaurant, know you’re not alone.