Many people display “WWJD?” bumper stickers on their cars, prompting others to ponder, “What would Jesus do?” in various situations. This idea has evolved, with some people now asking “What would Oprah do?” and countless parents reflecting on “What would Mom do?” as they navigate the rewarding yet daunting journey of raising children. These reflections often bring back memories of how their own mothers managed everything from the pain of scraped knees to the heartaches of growing up. They think of the patience shown while answering endless questions about the universe, bedtime rituals, and the importance of vegetables, as well as the grace exhibited when discussing life’s tougher subjects, including relationships, boundaries, and loss.
I find myself in this same reflective space. I often ask, “What would my mother do?” when faced with challenging parenting moments. However, instead of following in her footsteps, I consciously choose to take an entirely different path.
Unlike many, I have deliberately steered clear of emulating my mother’s approach to parenting, often feeling as if I needed to run in the opposite direction. My upbringing was steeped in a culture of fear—our hardwood floors might as well have been covered in eggshells. Loneliness was a constant companion, despite frequent declarations of love that felt hollow or conditional. I vividly remember my mother saying, “I love you because I gave birth to you, but that doesn’t mean I have to like you,” even during my elementary school years. My father made it clear on my fourteenth birthday that his affection for my mother surpassed his love for me, stating, “I chose her; you just came along.”
As a child, I was often isolated in my room for extended periods without explanation, simply told that she “couldn’t stand” me. When I returned home with a bruised ego after a disagreement with a friend, her first response was always, “What did you do wrong?” If I was sick, the focus was on how my illness inconvenienced her, and I was confined to my room, with the rationale that if I was too sick for school, I was also too sick for TV.
I internalized these messages, believing that my worth was conditional and that I was a burden. I thought I must have been a “bad girl” for friends to reject me. After all, mothers are supposed to know what’s best for their children, right?
Despite this, my mother inadvertently taught me valuable lessons about parenting. Most importantly, she instilled in me the significance of expressing love genuinely and unconditionally. I make it a point to tell my children I love them not just during hugs or goodbyes, but at any moment—without strings attached. Whether they’ve set the kitchen table or accidentally spilled a container of uncooked rice, my love remains constant. I want them to understand that no action could ever change that.
I strive to replace the loneliness of my childhood with an atmosphere of encouragement and empowerment. At ages four and five, I believe children should feel invincible and see the world as full of possibilities rather than obstacles. They should know that there will always be open arms ready to catch them, to comfort them, and to keep them safe from nightmares.
Instead of shutting my children out, I prioritize open communication. I engage my daughter about her challenging days at school with curiosity rather than judgment, allowing her to express herself freely without fear of repercussions. Together, we explore solutions for making better choices or handling situations differently in the future.
The journey of parenting without my mother has been challenging at times. There are moments when I turn to my husband and say, “I want my mom. Just not my mom.” As my father wisely noted years ago, we don’t choose our relatives; instead, we must acknowledge their strengths and weaknesses and selectively adopt what serves us best. There are valuable lessons in both.
Perhaps the most crucial lesson I am learning is to ask myself, “WWID?”—What would I do?
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In summary, my mother’s parenting style has shaped my approach in ways I never anticipated. From emphasizing unconditional love to fostering open communication, I have chosen to forge my own path, one that prioritizes warmth, understanding, and empowerment for my children.