The radiant smiles captured in family magazines often set an unrealistic standard, suggesting that a happy child is the ultimate indicator of successful parenting. When your little one greets the world with laughter and joy, it’s tempting to think you’re acing the parenting game. Cheers to you! After putting your cheerful child to bed, pour yourself a well-earned glass of wine and relish in your perceived triumph.
But let’s be honest. Perhaps, like me, you’ve been blessed with an easygoing child who, despite your occasional missteps, wins over everyone around her with her infectious smile. Or maybe, also like me, you’re navigating the complexities of parenting a child who struggles with anxiety and fear.
As the mother of two wonderfully distinct daughters—whom we’ll call Lily and Mia—I can confidently say that despite our best intentions, some children may simply be predisposed to sadness. It’s an unfortunate reality that some kids, like Mia, face challenges with anxiety from a young age, while others, like Lily, seem to radiate joy effortlessly.
To be fair, even the most neglectful parent could dampen the spirit of a naturally happy child. But let’s not rush to judge parents of children who are sad. While I’d love to claim credit for Lily’s happiness, the truth is she was born that way. And as much as I may feel responsible for Mia’s struggles, it’s essential to recognize that I shouldn’t shoulder that blame—and neither should you, dear onlookers at the grocery store or park.
Mia has sensory processing difficulties, and after countless hours of research and numerous appointments with specialists, I can assert that understanding and managing her condition can be far more challenging than the symptoms themselves. Our developmental pediatrician once likened sensory processing issues to pornography: it’s hard to define, but you definitely know it when you see it.
A stroll in the park with Lily is pure joy. She greets everyone with her radiant smile, squeals with delight upon spotting a dog, and shouts “Doggy!” with such gusto that even the busiest dog walker stops to praise her. In those moments, I feel like I’ve mastered motherhood—at least for a fleeting second.
In stark contrast, a walk in the park with Mia resembles a military operation, with her anxiety prompting us to carefully survey our surroundings for anything that might provoke fear, be it dogs, lawn mowers, or even pesky insects. During those challenging moments, it’s easy to lose my patience and feel like a failure.
I still remember a time when Mia sprinted into the street to escape a bug, and I lost my cool, yelling, “If you run into the street again, I swear I’ll lose it!” In those instances, the weight of motherhood can feel unbearable. You might relate: as you pull your distressed child away from a situation or struggle to calm them in public, you might feel a mix of sadness, anger, and guilt. You swallow those feelings deep inside, saving them for a quieter moment, because showing your own distress would only upset them further.
Whether your child is typically joyful or just having a rough day, once they’re tucked in at night, take a moment for yourself. Pour that glass of wine—you’ve earned it.
So, the next time you encounter an overwhelmed parent struggling in a parking lot, don’t just walk by. Your silence may feel like judgment to them, especially if their child is having a tough time. If you’d acknowledge a happy child, offer a word of encouragement to a sad one. Compliment that parent for persevering through a tough moment. Who knows? Your kindness might just bring a smile to their face and a glimmer of joy to their child’s.
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Summary
Parenting can be vastly different for each child, with some children radiating joy while others face challenges with anxiety. Recognizing the individuality of our children is crucial, and it’s essential to offer support and understanding to parents regardless of their child’s demeanor.