I often find myself grappling with guilt. Guilt about working, guilt about not working, and guilt about not feeling entirely settled either way. The weight of being a working mom is intense.
I had hoped that by blending my roles as a stay-at-home and work-at-home mom, I’d find a sweet spot. Yet, I often feel like I’m only doing a mediocre job at both. The fleeting moments I dedicate to work are overshadowed by the nagging worry that my son is missing out.
Before I embraced motherhood, I envisioned a picturesque life. I’d be tapping away at my laptop, crafting scripts or editing films, while my children engaged in quiet play with imaginative toys. The reality, however, is far from that idyllic image. When I need to focus on work during my son’s awake time, I often resort to letting him watch an episode of a children’s show or play an “educational” game online.
There have been conference calls where I’ve been mortified to realize I’m still in pajamas, clearing up spilled macaroni while my son remains quiet only because I promised him ice cream if he could hold it together for thirty minutes.
At the playground, I see mainly nannies who dedicate their entire day to caring for kids. Upon chatting with them, it strikes me that their sole focus is on providing attention, planning outings, and organizing playdates. Meanwhile, my son is lucky if we make it to the park once a day, and even then, I’m often distracted by urgent emails.
To clarify, my son doesn’t spend his entire day glued to the screen. I limit his TV time to an hour a day, often just thirty minutes. I try to squeeze my work into his nap times and late evenings. I take him to libraries, museums, and parks, but our errands often include stops at the bank, post office, or coffee meetings, meaning he doesn’t always receive my full attention.
Sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that others perceive me as inadequate. For instance, my husband recently asked, “Did you finish editing today? Did he take an unusually long nap?” Or when my mother-in-law innocently remarked about my work schedule, “Wait, don’t you work full time now?” I felt the need to clarify that my work hours are more like those of a toddler’s TV show than a standard job.
Truthfully, I could choose to become a full-time stay-at-home mom. My husband is the primary breadwinner, and I know my son would enjoy having me focused solely on him. But that would mean sacrificing a part of myself. I’ve been involved in acting and filmmaking since high school, and it’s a passion that fuels me. It can be frustrating, especially since my husband doesn’t face the same choices. He works long hours and travels, feeling the pang of missing his son, yet society often places blame on working fathers for prioritizing their jobs.
If I had to choose, I would undoubtedly choose motherhood over my career. My son is my top priority. But does that mean he should be my only priority?
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Summary
Navigating the world of motherhood while balancing a career can be a challenging endeavor filled with guilt and self-doubt. Many working moms struggle with feelings of inadequacy, torn between their professional aspirations and the desire to be fully present for their children. Despite the challenges, it’s essential to recognize the importance of maintaining one’s identity outside of motherhood.