Recently, a dear friend of mine lost her father. Though it was anticipated, the heartbreak is profound. Losing a family member is challenging at any age. I said farewell to my father when I was just 23, yet the passing of my grandmother at 91 affected me just as deeply. Grief can feel overwhelming, but it’s part of the journey of letting go.
Adults often find it difficult to navigate loss, and for children, it can seem nearly insurmountable. Young children, in particular, struggle to understand the permanence of death and may get stuck in the bargaining phase of grief. They might think that if they behave well, they can somehow bring their loved one back. Their natural egocentrism leads them to worry that they or someone else they care about might face the same fate. For example, after losing a grandparent, many children become anxious about their parents’ health.
While adults often experience grief in waves that can last for months or years, children’s emotions can shift rapidly. They might bounce between sadness, anger, frustration, joy, and even excitement. Children dealing with significant loss may ask repetitive questions about death and exhibit behaviors such as regression, clinginess, excessive crying, and sleep disturbances. These changes are usually temporary, but if they disrupt your child’s daily functioning, consult your pediatrician. Play therapy can aid many young children in processing their grief at any stage.
Here are eight strategies to assist children through their grief:
- Clarify the Loss: Children need straightforward facts about death, but lengthy explanations can confuse them. Be honest yet concise. For instance, saying, “Grandpa’s heart stopped working, which caused his body to stop working” can help preschoolers grasp the concept. Older kids may require more specific details, such as the name of an illness. Always reassure them that you are okay.
- Facilitate Goodbyes: It’s important to assess whether your child can attend a funeral. Generally, kids under seven may find it challenging to understand and behave appropriately in such settings. Regardless, all children should have a chance to say goodbye. If the loved one is nearing the end of life, allow your child a brief farewell. Encourage them to make a card or draw a picture for the loved one. If the situation is too overwhelming, consider letting them participate in some part of the service instead. Remember, children often process emotions later, so be prepared for feelings to surface unexpectedly.
- Normalize Emotions: Help your child identify and label their feelings, as intense emotions can be bewildering. Encourage them to express sadness, anger, or confusion in healthy ways. Activities like drawing or using resources such as “When Someone Very Special Dies” by Marge Heegard can facilitate this understanding.
- Create a Memory Book: For young children, the finality of death can be hard to grasp. Let your child compile a memory book filled with pictures and descriptions of their favorite moments with the deceased. This personal project allows them to reflect on their relationship, and it’s essential that they dictate the memories without your influence.
- Memory Tokens: While older children may find closure in attending funeral services, younger children might not fully grasp the experience. Allow them to create a farewell card or picture to place near the coffin or urn. Discuss this option with family beforehand to ensure everyone is on the same page.
- Offer Reassurance: Children can be self-centered in their worries, often fearing how events will impact them. Reassure them about your family’s health and well-being. Regular check-ups, healthy eating, exercise, and proper sleep are vital. They will need frequent reminders that both you and they are okay.
- Avoid Misleading Phrases: Knowing what to say can be difficult. Stick to factual statements, like “his body stopped working,” rather than vague expressions like “it was his time” or “he was very sick.” Young children may struggle with abstract concepts like Heaven, so focus on the tangible aspects of loss, such as memories.
- Prioritize Self-Care: It’s crucial to take care of yourself while supporting your grieving child. Seek help from friends, rest well, eat properly, and speak to someone who can support you. The best way to teach your children how to cope with loss is to model healthy coping strategies in your own life.
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In summary, guiding children through grief requires honesty, reassurance, and support. By helping them articulate their feelings, create memories, and understand loss, you can foster resilience during this challenging time.