By: Jessica Harper
Updated: Aug. 27, 2023
Let’s get this straight: I go through the agony of childbirth, and who gets to celebrate each year? My child, or more like the little monster who emerged? This year, my “tiny tornado” is about to turn four (please, let four be better than three), which means it’s time to dive into the dreaded birthday party planning. Is there anything more excruciating? Maybe getting a root canal? Hmm, it’s a close call.
- The Expense: I’d love to throw the party in our backyard to save a fortune, but A) you know it will rain cats and dogs that day, and B) my kid is adamant about having a party at one of those bouncy house venues. Seriously?! I once witnessed a child at one of those places get overly excited and throw up—right in the bounce house! The other kids kept jumping around in it until someone finally noticed. I had to scrub my kid down for hours. Let’s just say my love for bouncy houses has significantly dwindled.
- Goody Bags: After I’ve spent two hours entertaining your little gremlin, I’m supposed to send them home with a gift? Some call them goody bags or party favors, but I prefer to call them cheap trinkets from overseas that could potentially choke a toddler. Brilliant idea, right?
- The Guest List: Wait, how many kids are we inviting? It feels like I’m planning a wedding! My four-year-old’s class requires we invite every single child to avoid hurt feelings. What happened to the days when not everyone got an invite? Remember when kids wouldn’t get a trophy just for showing up?
- RSVPs: Can someone please respond to the invitations? I get that everyone’s busy, but so am I—counting slices of pizza to ensure no one goes hungry. If your child shows up unannounced, guess what? They aren’t getting any cake, no matter how much I love it.
- Cake: Now, let’s talk about the one good thing: cake. I could never complain about birthday cake—it’s my favorite!
- Pinterest Pressure: Pinterest is like a curse. I went to a party recently where everything looked perfect, thanks to Pinterest. Meanwhile, I’m over here just tossing chips in a bowl. How did I end up feeling like a terrible parent for not crafting elaborate snacks?
- Balloons: Kids may think balloons are magical, but they are a headache. Your kid will let go of it, scream, and I’ll have to play fetch every time. And if it pops? Brace for chaos.
- Food Calculations: Figuring out how much pizza we need is like rocket science. I just order the biggest package available and hope for the best. But the trunk of my car will be filled with gifts, not pizza leftovers, so I guess that’s a win?
- Gifts: Some parents are creating registries for their kids’ birthdays. Seriously? Here’s my registry: 1. 2. 3. Yep, that’s totally blank. We don’t need more clutter in our home. If anything, I’d prefer empty gift bags for wrapping future gifts.
- Thank You Notes: Writing thank you notes is only fun when my child can do it themselves. Guess who ends up writing them all? Yours truly. So if you give my kid a gift, expect a thank you note sprinkled with glitter—enjoy the mess!
So if you don’t receive an invitation to my child’s upcoming birthday bash, consider yourself fortunate. It means I like you and don’t want to put you through this ordeal. If you do get one, I apologize in advance.
For more on parenting challenges, visit our blog on home insemination kits and check out this insightful piece on embracing help as a mom. If you’re considering starting a family, this resource on planning baby and fertility treatments is an excellent place to begin.