In my younger years, when I didn’t rely on a handful of pain relievers just to rise from bed and my skin still had some bounce, I held an entirely skewed view of hemorrhoids. I believed they were the most repulsive ailment imaginable, and the thought of experiencing them filled me with dread. (Honestly, I thought they were only for the elderly, people struggling with weight, those who skimped on toilet paper, and individuals with dubious hygiene habits.) But then, I became pregnant.
Pregnant women everywhere will attest that hemorrhoids are an unfortunate side effect of creating life. It makes perfect sense. Adding an extra forty to sixty pounds of weight? Hello, hemorrhoids. Pressure from a growing uterus on your rectum? Yep, that’s a pregnancy hemorrhoid. Straining for what feels like an eternity only to produce a tiny, rock-hard stool? You guessed it—hemorrhoids.
Let’s not forget postpartum; those lovely little things can also appear after childbirth from the labor strain. So, congratulations on your new baby!
Like many women, my first encounter with hemorrhoids came during pregnancy, and since then, they’ve become a frequent visitor in my life. There are two types, did you know? The “external” hemorrhoids are the ones most people recognize—the unsightly, bulging, sometimes itchy, and often painful lumps that make you dash for your hemorrhoid cushion.
Then there are “internal” hemorrhoids. Less visible and not as grotesque, but they come with the rather alarming side effect of causing bright red bleeding from the rectum. Every time this happens, I go through a familiar panic:
- Am I getting my period?
- From where?
- Oh no, not that.
- It’s definitely from my backside.
- I’m bleeding.
- This can only mean…
- It must be…
- Oh no, BUTTHOLE CANCER!
Just as I’m about to share my impending doom with my family, I find myself searching for answers on WebMD (again). After typing in my symptoms, the result is always the same: “hemorrhoids.” And that’s that.
But it doesn’t end there. At my age, hemorrhoids have become a constant in my life. There’s always a next time. It could be a while before it happens again, and it might not be as severe as before, but there will always be another episode. I’ve come to realize that hemorrhoids aren’t just for the old or the out-of-shape—they’re part of my reality now.
So now, I think about them like this:
- Ugh.
- Not again.
- Why did I indulge in that spicy curry?
- That chicken wasn’t “mild.”
- Definitely more of a spicy “medium.”
- Ouch.
- Is this toilet paper or did someone just sand down my backside?
- Where’s that Tucks cream?
- Almost got it…
- Ahhh!
- Honey? WHERE’S THE CUSHION?
- What do you mean “what cushion?”
- THE HEMORRHOID CUSHION!
- Is he clueless?
What I mean to convey is that hemorrhoids have firmly established themselves in my life. An annoying, itchy, and uncomfortable part of my existence? Yes. But they are here to stay. Welcome, hemorrhoids. Make yourself at home.
If you’re navigating the ups and downs of pregnancy, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. For more insights on baby development, visit this authoritative site on baby growth. And if you’re interested in home insemination options, you can find helpful information in our home insemination kit article.
In summary, hemorrhoids are an uncomfortable but common issue that many women face, especially during and after pregnancy. Embracing this reality can help ease some of the embarrassment and discomfort associated with them.