Unless you’re frequently expecting (lucky you!), you’ll likely find yourself facing an annual gynecological exam—an experience akin to coaxing your toddler to eat a plate of raw oysters. As a non-medical expert (unless “wine enthusiast” counts), I don’t intend to scare you away from this necessary yet slightly torturous encounter by highlighting its most awkward elements. To be fair, there aren’t really any “good” parts, just the intimate ones!
1. Breast Examination
You’ll find yourself raising your arm while your practitioner carefully examines your breast in small, methodical circles, all while studiously avoiding eye contact. If it’s not that time of the month and you’re not pregnant, it might even feel a bit pleasant. However, you may feel a tinge of guilt for enjoying this essential medical check. To lighten the mood during this mildly awkward moment, consider joking that your examiner could have at least bought you dinner first. She’ll likely respond with surprise, and you can share a laugh together.
2. Weight Measurement
You’re led to an oversized scale that seems like it’s been in the doctor’s office since the days of secondhand smoke wafting through the air. Before you can remove your shoes or explain that your wet hair and bulky sweater add at least two pounds, you’re subjected to a public weigh-in. Your discomfort with the number—at least five pounds more than your home scale—might delight the staff, hinting at the theory that they gossip about patients over lunch.
3. The Undress & Wait
For reasons unknown, you must remove all clothing in favor of a ridiculously thin dusky pink “robe” provided by the nurse. You’re about to get more personal with the doctor than with anyone else but still feel compelled to hide your underwear from view while awkwardly settling on a crinkly paper-covered table. Despite being instructed to fully undress in a bright, sterile, and chilly room adorned with various contraceptive devices, it seems like ages before your doctor arrives—after a seemingly endless ten minutes of casual chatter outside your door. Unfortunately, your bare behind may be the first thing she sees as she enters from a busy hallway.
4. Pelvic Exam
Welcome to the delightful experience of having your reproductive organs inspected both externally and internally! You’ll find yourself in stirrups, and if you thought the eye contact during the breast exam was minimal, prepare for complete avoidance as your doctor performs the examination. You’ll likely feel tense and jittery, and might be tempted to share a corny gynecology joke, though the doctor has probably heard every one of them.
5. Pap Smear
Despite sounding like a tasty spread, a Pap smear is anything but enjoyable. Picture this: you’re lying on your back on a flimsy sheet of crinkly paper, sweat creeping down your spine. Your practitioner will insist you scoot further down the table, making you acutely aware of how you’re inching your privates closer to a stranger’s face. A muffled voice informs you that they’re about to “touch you down there.” The speculum, designed to be perpetually cold, is introduced to your inadequately lubricated vagina. As you brace yourself, the speculum expands, providing your practitioner with an uncomfortably thorough view of your most private areas. The exam concludes with a long Q-tip that feels like it’s swabbing away your last shred of dignity, possibly bringing a tear to your eye. As the speculum is swiftly removed, your doctor casually hands you a checkout slip and reminds you to grab a sanitary product in case of bleeding post-exam.
While your annual exam could be described as “fun” if “fun” means soul-crushingly dehumanizing, it’s an unfortunately necessary process. So, have you scheduled your appointment for this year yet? For more insights on home insemination, you might find this post on artificial insemination kits interesting. Also, if you want to dive deeper into the subject, Intracervical Insemination offers great information, and for those considering fertility options, Hopkins Medicine is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
The annual gynecological exam is filled with awkward moments, from the breast exam to the Pap smear, making it a unique and often uncomfortable experience. Despite its necessity, many women dread this encounter.