At the age of 37, I found myself entering the world of motherhood a bit later than most. During my first ultrasound, my OB-GYN used the term “geriatric primigravida” while assessing my situation. “Did he just say ‘geriatric’? What is happening down there?” I thought to myself. Was my uterus suddenly hosting a bingo night? The OB gently clarified that “geriatric primigravida” refers to a pregnant woman over 34. Fantastic—my reproductive organs are basically a relic at this point!
Since then, I’ve developed some strong opinions about what I call “mom jargon.” Here’s a list of motherhood phrases that really need to be retired:
- Baby Bump. I’m baffled as to why “belly” or “stomach” wasn’t sufficient. It seems someone thought that calling it a pregnancy didn’t sound exotic enough. “Look at your baby bump! You should probably see a dermatologist about that.” or “Her baby bump is absolutely adorable!” Please, just stop.
- Pump and Dump. I admit I’ve used this term, albeit under the influence of a tropical cocktail. While I understand its accuracy, every time I hear “pump and dump,” I picture a poor mom attached to a breast pump while squatting over a toilet. Let’s find a better phrase, like “saving the baby’s liver” or “cleansing my conscience after a mojito binge.”
- Push Present. When did it become standard to gift a mother for giving birth? Yes, labor is tough, but a gift for it? Moms aren’t doing dads a favor; the baby has to come out, period. Moreover, the term itself conjures images of a woman in labor greeted by a box of new clothes instead of her newborn. This whole concept is just absurd.
- DD, DS, and DH. Seriously? “Dear daughter,” “dear son,” and “dear husband”? Why not just use “daughter,” “son,” and “husband”? It makes them sound like government agencies. Do I really have to refer to my family as “dear”? I love my family, but the reality is that I don’t always like them. My husband frequently sees me as “OMGWR?” (Oh my God, Woman, Really?).
- Mucus Plug. This term is not only accurate, it’s downright off-putting. I propose we find a euphemism, like “baby stopper” or “stork cork.” Suggestions are welcome!
- Effaced. Not slang, but it’s misleading. Effacement refers to the thinning of the cervix before delivery, and until I took a birthing class, I thought it meant something else entirely. Can we not just say “thinning”? When you’re nine months pregnant, hearing that something is getting thinner would be a relief!
- Fur Baby. Yes, I adore my pet; she’s family. But calling her a “fur baby”? Not quite. Unlike my actual child, my dog knows where to relieve herself and is content to nap throughout the day. The only real similarity is that both enjoy chewing on sticks. Unless you’re raising a creature from a galaxy far away, let’s retire this term.
So there you have it. If you’ve used any of these phrases, I may judge you a little (but I just had some cheesy snacks for breakfast, so I’m no authority).
For more on motherhood and related topics, check out our post about the at-home insemination kit. Also, if you’re looking for expert information, this site on GMOs provides valuable insights. Lastly, for a comprehensive understanding of pregnancy, visit this excellent resource on in vitro fertilization.
In summary, there are numerous terms in motherhood that can be both confusing and frustrating. Recognizing these phrases is essential for clearer communication among parents.