By: Sarah Jenkins
Updated: Dec. 21, 2020
Originally Published: Dec. 30, 2012
Adult coloring books are typically filled with intricate designs and mature themes, ranging from flowers to spiritual symbols. You may find one at the checkout line of Target or your local grocery store, perhaps after enduring a chaotic shopping trip involving unsolicited advice from well-meaning strangers, several tantrums in different aisles, and a catastrophic diaper blowout that guarantees no one will be buying dairy products that week. By the end of the day, you might gather whatever energy you have left—after your children, partner, pets, or job have drained you—to sink into the couch with a set of colored pencils, filling tiny boxes with colors to create an intricate, yet slightly nauseating mandala.
As someone who enjoys the chaos of parenting, I decided to create my own coloring book specifically for new parents. The illustrations are designed to help you unwind as you reflect on the day’s near disasters. Picture a tiny, wailing baby beside a generous glass of wine, while a marker lies nearby—one that your dog just attempted to munch. Try not to gag at the smell that wafts from you, a delightful mix of baby spit-up and stale diapers.
Drawing 1: That Moment You Finally Strap Your Baby into the Car Seat, Only for Them to Unleash a Diaper Explosion
Ah, did you have plans today? Not anymore, if your baby has a say in it. Once you buckle them into the car seat, it’s a near guarantee they will unleash a torrent of unpleasant substances. Enjoy this illustration as you reminisce about the pediatrician’s reprimand for your tardiness, despite having to wait 35 minutes to see them.
Drawing 2: An Elderly Woman in the Grocery Store Parking Lot Criticizes You for Not Dressing Your Baby in Socks
You never truly comprehend the avalanche of unsolicited advice until you become a parent. The moment you venture out with your child, shadowy figures emerge, ready to share their wisdom: “You’re doing it wrong,” or “Did you know your baby will have lifelong ear issues without a hat for just 30 seconds outside?” You might want to inform these well-meaning individuals that your baby’s favorite snack is dog hair, and she frequently goes without pants, relishing the opportunity to lick your phone with great enthusiasm. In short: “Please just leave me alone.”
Drawing 3: You Turn Your Back for a Second, and Your Baby Has Just Consumed Driveway Gravel
Driveway gravel is, after all, just a mineral, right? One of the first lessons of motherhood is that no amount of vacuuming can keep your floors clean. Your child possesses an uncanny ability to locate every morsel of food you thought was long gone. That pretzel stick from last March? She’ll find it! And she’ll eat everything from gravel to dried leaves to her own vomit. She is a bottomless pit of hunger.
Drawing 4: Your Baby Is Anti-Pants, Especially in Public, and Everyone Is Judging You
The only thing your baby despises more than pants is the concept of remaining still. Pants are an obstacle to your attempts at appearing a composed parent. If you do manage to get them on, they’ll drag them through your home—which probably hasn’t seen a vacuum in a while—collecting every bit of dog hair along the way. It’s a public spectacle, and yes, all eyes are on you and your pants-less child. Refer back to Drawing 3 and brace yourself for the judgment.
Congratulations on embarking on your new coloring hobby! It’s essential for parents to carve out some “me” time. When I’m not snuggling with my little one or coloring, I find solace in slipping into a stained sweatsuit, rocking back and forth in a corner, and shouting, “Don’t touch me!” at my spouse. Stick with colored pencils instead of markers for a less chaotic experience.
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In summary, this light-hearted coloring book is a humorous take on the everyday struggles of new parents, capturing the chaotic yet loving journey of parenthood through relatable illustrations.