During my marriage, I often pondered the idea of divorce. Each time, I was haunted by thoughts of the holidays I would spend away from my child, the precious moments I would miss, and the ongoing challenge of a shared custody arrangement. The very idea of the holidays made me pause. How does one wake up alone on Christmas morning, devoid of a child’s infectious excitement? There would be no cookies left for Santa, no Christmas pajamas unwrapped the night before, and none of the joyful chaos that comes with a child on such a special day.
Two years ago, my ex-husband and I separated. Since it was close to the holiday season, we decided to spend that Christmas together as a family. With the ink still fresh on our separation, it felt like the right approach. However, when we initiated divorce proceedings six months later, I began mentally preparing myself for a Christmas devoid of my son’s presence. According to our divorce agreement, our son would be with his father on Christmas in even-numbered years.
The thought filled me with dread. I wept when I read the agreement; I yearned to be with my little boy, who spent the majority of his time with me, experiencing the magic of the holiday. I felt selfish and bitter. Yet, in a twist of fate, I received a call in September informing me that my ex would be deployed to the Middle East. For that year, at least, I would have Christmas with my son.
As the year progressed, I braced myself for a quiet holiday. Now, with my ex no longer in the military and settled at home, I know I will wake up alone this Christmas. Can you fathom how it feels to greet the morning in solitude, with no heart and soul beside you? The tears have become countless, and I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve cried. Recently, my son caught me in a vulnerable moment.
“Mom, why are you so sad?” he asked.
“Sweetheart, I’m just sad because I won’t see you on Christmas morning. That’s all.”
“But you can just come to Daddy and Miss J’s house and see all my Santa presents. Wouldn’t that be fun?”
If only I could explain the reality to him: that divorce doesn’t work that way, and we will seldom celebrate holidays as one family again. Despite his innocent wishes, we’ll never share the same roof again.
Over the past two years, life has moved on. I’ve built a new life with someone special and have focused on self-improvement and my career. I’ve discovered strength in single parenting that I never knew I possessed, but the thought of waking up alone on Christmas still overwhelms me.
I remain heartbroken because my family is broken. It’s a truth that no parent truly recovers from easily.
Last Sunday, I reached out to my mother, asking if I could spend Christmas Eve with her. My new partner lives far away, making it impractical for us to be together. The thought of waking up in an empty house, surrounded by twinkling lights and untouched gifts, along with Cocoa the Elf staring at me, is unbearable.
No one should be alone on Christmas morning. After two years of preparation, I thought I would be ready, but I find myself still unprepared.