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Parenting
When Your Little Rascal Is Your Own
by Jamie Parker
Updated: Jan. 26, 2017
Originally Published: Oct. 9, 2012
By now, my ears have been finely attuned to the different pitches of my children’s cries. I am like a human Richter scale, able to gauge the intensity of a whimper or a wail from anywhere. I may have struggled in algebra and avoided calculus altogether, but as a parent, I can decipher the nuances between “calm down” and “oh no, do I need to call for help?”
And oh, how self-satisfied I feel as I sit on a bench with my iced coffee, thinking, “Thank goodness that isn’t my child.” Except, in a way, it actually is.
“Mommy!” A piercing cry slices through the joyful noise of children playing on swings and sliding down the bright red slide, causing all the mothers to momentarily stop what they’re doing, like a herd of zebras at a watering hole.
Despite the commotion, I’m not overly concerned. My ears are attuned to my kids’ cries, and I have become adept at identifying the source of distress. However, as I glance up, I realize that while my little one isn’t the one crying, he is the reason for it.
“No! I’m not giving it back!” my son, Alex, yells, fiercely gripping a Thomas the Tank Engine toy that doesn’t belong to him.
“But it’s mine!” the other boy wails, reaching out for his own toy.
“No. I want it!”
And in that moment, I want to shake my son.
Amidst the chaos, I understand this is one of those “teachable moments” (ugh) where I should calmly approach Alex, kneel down to his level, and speak in soothing tones.
The ideal mother would say, “Alex, it seems you’re feeling pretty upset right now.”
Or, “Alex, that toy doesn’t belong to you, and this little boy would like it back.”
Or perhaps, “Alex, how can we resolve this without shouting?”
Instead, I find myself yelling in a voice that rumbles from deep within, “Alex, that’s not your train. Give it back. Now!”
And guess what? My son starts to scream, too.
It’s been a long day—actually, a long 3 ½ years—and I’m utterly dismayed that my sweet boy—the one who loves listening to me sing his favorite songs, who shares his food with friends, and who cuddles with his stuffed animals at night—is the cause of another child’s tears.
Meanwhile, the other boy’s mother arrives at the slide, her arms wrapped around her sobbing child, glaring at my son. I can’t blame her; I’ve been in her shoes before. Last year, I felt the urge to unleash my inner lioness when another child took Alex’s toy and made him cry. Witnessing my son’s face crumple was enough to send me into a protective rage, wanting to take that toy back and restore it to its rightful owner.
It’s a dark and uncomfortable truth: I’d rather confront someone else’s child than accept that my own child is causing someone else pain.
So, what are my options? I could engage in a fierce tug-of-war with my (incredibly strong) 3 ½-year-old, shouting, “Give me the train this instant!” But then, I’m the parent losing control, and everyone else thinks, “No wonder her kid is acting out.” Alternatively, I could wrestle the toy from Alex’s grip, force him to apologize, but we all know he wouldn’t genuinely mean it.
Or, I could bring to his attention the time last year when someone made him feel sad: “Do you remember how you felt when your toy was taken? Do you see how this child feels right now?” I hope that those words will cultivate the empathy I know he has buried deep within his temper tantrums.
And there it is: a “teachable moment,” not just for him, but for me as well.
Because karma has a way of showing up unexpectedly, and now that I’ve witnessed my son’s ability to act out on the playground, I hope to be more understanding of the next little rascal who inadvertently hurts his feelings.
This article was originally published on Oct. 9, 2012.
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Summary
Parenting can be a rollercoaster of emotions, especially when our children misbehave. The experience of dealing with our kids’ conflicts can highlight our own struggles as parents. In the end, it’s a journey of learning and growing together, as we navigate the challenges and joys of raising little ones.