Parenting
Parenting can be an unpredictable challenge. It shifts, it deceives, and just when you think you have it all figured out, it slips away like sand through your fingers. It can leave you feeling frazzled and sometimes even foolish.
I’ve been a parent for over a decade, and I’ve quickly come to understand the elusive nature of this role. When I envision the type of parent I aspire to be, I often think of a memorable scene from a movie—like Mia Farrow in Hannah and Her Sisters. She embodies the ideal mother, radiating love and warmth, surrounded by family and joy.
That dinner table moment? It moves me every time.
But let’s be honest—my reality is far from cinematic. The dinner table at my house resembles a scene from Superbad more than Hannah and Her Sisters. There’s nothing charming about our family meals. Instead, we have rambunctious kids making ridiculous noises and declaring things like, “Your casserole makes me want to hurl,” or “When’s Mom’s boyfriend coming over? He’s way more fun,” and “I don’t know how I did on that quiz; I haven’t seen it yet.”
If you’ve seen Bridesmaids, you might recall Rita’s monologue about her three sons. Well, we might already be there, and I might just be in denial. The baby-scented air that once filled my home has vanished without a trace.
The smell of armpits whizzes past me like a bad odor from a deli. Those sneakers left by the door? They stink worse than something left to decay in the sun. Showers? They take what feels like an eternity.
As I dig through mountains of laundry to find those overpriced, ugly socks that middle school boys seem to adore, I stumble upon washcloths—washcloths! We haven’t used those since the boys were tiny. Can I detect a hint of shampoo when the boys finally emerge from their showers? Nope. I don’t even want to know what’s going on in there. That’s why bathrooms have doors—to keep some mystery in the household, and I cherish that mystery. But I also appreciate clean hair.
I find myself uttering phrases I never thought I would. Things like, “Being naked in front of the cat is not a great idea,” and “Please get your nose away from your brother’s rear. You’ll smell that fart soon enough.” Or, “Dancing naked on the breakfast table may look fun, but swinging your man jewels around is inappropriate in most settings. And honestly, I’d prefer your anatomy kept away from my smoothie.”
Did you grow up watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Remember when Uncle Phil would joke, “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out”? Your parents laughed, and you didn’t quite get it. Well, we have officially reached that point, and boy, do I get it now.
There are no award-winning scripts in parenting. It’s just you, your children, and the wild unpredictability of it all. What will they do next? And how will you respond?
Just last week, I found myself at the dinner table, facing my 12-year-old son, expressing thoughts I never thought I would convey.
“Listen to me, and take this seriously,” I said, pointing my finger at him for emphasis. “You’re acting like a total jerk. Your attitude is unacceptable. You better fix it, or when your father gets home, he’s going to put you in your place.”
Did I really just say that? “Put you in your place”? What does that even mean? But I was on a roll, and there’s no stopping a mom on a mission…
“Look at me,” I said. “I am The Gatekeeper. Every decision in this house goes through me. If you don’t change your attitude right now, I’ll take away all the fun in your life. I can do that. I control everything: the fun things and the not-so-fun things… all of it.”
In all my imagined Hollywood moments of motherhood, I never pictured myself cursing at my oldest son or channeling a character from Ghostbusters. Does Mia Farrow do that? No, she does not. But apparently, I do.
I admit I’m a bit anxious about the tween years ahead. We haven’t even tackled the subjects of driving or texting—let alone driving while texting.
One thing’s for certain: parenting is tough. It’s nothing like the movies. I know this because…
I’m just a woman. Standing in front of four boys. Asking them to aim when they use the bathroom.
This article was originally published on Sep. 4, 2012.
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Summary:
Parenting is a challenging, unpredictable journey that often feels far removed from the idealized versions we see in movies. With humor and candid observations, the author reflects on the realities of raising children, including the chaotic dinner table scenes and the absurdities of the tween years. The article captures the essence of navigating parenthood while confronting the unexpected challenges that arise along the way.