Updated: September 10, 2017
Originally Published: March 5, 2012
During World War II, my great aunt wed a young soldier when she was just a teenager. After he went off to war, their paths diverged, and she eventually married the man who would stand beside her for over five decades. Back then, divorce was whispered about, shrouded in silence and secrecy. By the time she revealed to her second husband and children that she had been divorced earlier in life, only a few years remained before her passing. The revelation shocked her children; they realized their mother was not who they had believed her to be. Why did she choose to keep this hidden for so long?
Secrets can harbor immense fear, akin to carrying a ticking time bomb in your heart, uncertain of when it might explode. The lingering shame surrounding divorce is still prevalent today, even beneath the façade of bravado and openness we might project.
Following Christmas, I met a new friend for coffee. She is a strikingly beautiful and accomplished executive, a mother of two. As we navigated the initial stages of friendship, sharing snippets of our lives, she unexpectedly shared, “I was divorced, and this is my second marriage,” in one breath, then paused, her eyes searching for judgment.
“I’ve been divorced too,” I replied softly. Her smile and the visible relief on her face indicated she felt understood.
My four-year-old son was beside me, engrossed in a puzzle, perhaps oblivious to the conversation. Or maybe he registered the term “divorce” to ponder later. I don’t shield him from the word; thankfully, he hasn’t asked about it yet. Nevertheless, I know the day will come when I must explain divorce to him, and more importantly, that I had been divorced before meeting his father.
Even a decade later, my divorce still occasionally stings, a reminder of failure. Many others I know, men and women alike, wear similar expressions of shame when they mention their pasts. They reveal their invisible scars, anxiously anticipating your reaction.
My mother-in-law, whom I deeply respect, has urged me to discuss my divorce with my son sooner rather than later. She believes it’s crucial for a child to grow up with a clear understanding of marriage rather than discovering later that their beliefs were based on half-truths. From her own experience, she shared how her parents waited until she graduated high school to inform her that her father had been married and divorced before her mother. She told me it took her years to understand that this past didn’t change who her father was; it was simply part of his journey.
A search online for guidance on discussing divorce with children reveals an abundance of advice about navigating a divorce between parents. However, it lacks information on how to convey to a child that you had a life before they were born, or that love doesn’t always last forever. So, I reached out to my friend, Dr. Lisa Green, a family therapist, for insights.
“Revealing to our children that we were once married to someone else often stresses the parent more than the child,” she explained. “It’s typically best to incorporate this into your family narrative before the child feels anything was hidden from them. Secrets can be more damaging than truth to a child’s sense of security.”
That’s precisely what I want to achieve. Yet, saying, “Mommy used to have a different husband” feels awkward as a part of our family history. After my ex-husband left, I discarded all evidence, including wedding photos. If I start discussing divorce, do I need to mention the domestic violence and the other woman? Determining how much he can handle is a delicate balancing act. There’s full transparency, and then there’s sharing information based on my son’s emotional maturity. I’m uncertain about how to explain the meaning of “’til death—or divorce—do us part.”
Dr. Green advised that I might want to wait for a natural moment to bring up the topic—perhaps when someone mentions divorce, or if he asks about life before he was born. “As with any significant conversation with kids, it’s best to keep statements short and factual and see if he has follow-up questions,” she said. “You could say, ‘I was married to someone else long ago, before I met your dad.’ See how he reacts. He might inquire further now or months from now, or he may forget and you’ll have another opportunity to discuss it later.”
As he matures, I might share that divorce was a painful experience for me, one that left me feeling ashamed and defeated. I can offer him honesty, assuring him that while divorce can happen, it doesn’t diminish a person’s worth. I will stand by him, just as my parents supported me through my struggles.
To be frank, I wish I didn’t have to share this with him. Yet, it’s part of my journey that has shaped who I am today. What I hope he understands most is that while divorce is a chapter in my life, it does not define me. He should know that bad things can happen to good people, and I am grateful for the lessons learned along the way. Importantly, he should know that love remains a possibility, no matter the circumstances.
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Summary
This article explores the delicate topic of discussing divorce with children. It recounts personal experiences and the challenges of revealing past marriages while emphasizing the importance of honesty and openness. The author reflects on societal shame surrounding divorce and the impact of family secrets on children’s understanding of love and marriage. Ultimately, it advocates for addressing these subjects in a thoughtful manner, ensuring children feel secure in their family narratives.