What does it mean to regret becoming a parent? This is my personal experience, and I can’t speak for anyone else.
I made a conscious choice to start a family, believing I truly wanted a child. So much so, I rushed into marriage with the first man who showed interest in having kids. Deep down, I sensed I was making a poor decision, but I convinced myself that my determination could make it work, even with someone who wasn’t the right partner for such a significant commitment. The pregnancy was fraught with challenges, including debilitating pain that forced me to leave my job.
Despite the difficulties, I was thrilled about welcoming my baby into the world. The biological drive was overwhelming, compelling me to overlook the many warning signs that my now ex-husband presented. Ironically, for over 27 years, I had firmly stated that I didn’t want children. I was the fun aunt and the beloved cousin, someone who thought that those experiences would seamlessly translate into motherhood. I was mistaken.
As I struggled with pregnancy-related issues, my husband experienced his own setbacks. He lost his job shortly after our wedding, and it wasn’t until a year after our daughter was born that he secured stable employment—after I made it clear that his lack of income was unsustainable. He ultimately joined the Navy.
My biggest concern was financial stability for my daughter. I resumed work when she was just four months old and managed to find my footing, even while my husband remained unemployed for a significant period. However, financial instability plagued us again when my daughter was around 2½ to 7 years old, and then again from ages 12 to 14. Now, at 17, my daughter has grown into a remarkable young woman.
Yet, my feelings run deeper than mere financial stress. Many parents face similar challenges but never question their choice to have children. I do. I grapple with the reality that I regret motherhood. To be clear, my love for my daughter is profound; she is my pride and joy. The thought of losing her is unfathomable, and I would be utterly lost without her.
My regret isn’t due to a lack of love or a desire for her; it stems from my belief that I shouldn’t have become a parent in the first place. I have never blamed her for my feelings of inadequacy. Instead, I carry a heavy sense of guilt for not being the parent she deserves. Even though I strive to be a good mother and believe I have succeeded in many ways, I still feel the weight of regret, not because I have failed in my role but because I never wanted this role to begin with.
That said, my relationship with my daughter is incredibly strong. We communicate openly about everything, and she is a well-adjusted, confident, and happy individual. She respects the rules of our household and takes her responsibilities seriously. She doesn’t have a relationship with her biological father, who chose not to be involved, and four years ago, she asked my husband to adopt her—another testament to our bond. While I often battle with my introverted nature, I have made every effort to ensure she feels loved and cherished.
This ongoing struggle with guilt is part of my parenting journey. Yet, it is accompanied by a sense of responsibility and unconditional love for my daughter.
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In summary, while my journey through motherhood has been marked by profound love, it is also intertwined with regret. I cherish my daughter deeply, yet I navigate the complex emotions that accompany my parenting experience.