If you ever find yourself in need of a guide on surviving captivity, look no further than Wikipedia. With its unsettling illustrations of masked captors and an array of tips, the site lays out 20 “simple” steps to navigate the ordeal of being taken against your will. While I’ve never experienced a true abduction—or even had the wind knocked out of me—I found that many of these survival tactics can be surprisingly relevant to the chaotic world of parenting.
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Regain Your Composure.
The first piece of advice from Wikipedia is to calm down. “Your adrenaline will be pumping, your heart will be pounding, and you’ll be terrified.” This resonates deeply with me, as I often find myself overwhelmed by the fears of parenting. Whether it’s worrying about stories of unvaccinated children wreaking havoc or toxic chemicals lurking in everyday items, the anxieties are plentiful. Daily, I envision countless disasters, from a car tailing me too closely to the other child in the waiting room who may erupt into a vomit incident. -
Stay Alert.
“Never let your guard down,” Wikipedia warns. As I write this, my children are suspiciously quiet in another room. The urge to check on them is strong, yet I hesitate, fearing the discovery of who is coloring on the wall. However, when I see a child about to be sick, I’m on high alert, instinctively backing away to avoid the impending mess. -
Maintain a Survival Mindset.
“Be positive … the odds are with you,” the guide suggests, advising to prepare for a potentially long stint of captivity. This philosophy is Parenting 101, requiring us to take each day as it comes. -
Put Your Captor at Ease.
“Cooperate within reason with your captor.” This involves telling little white lies to make our children feel secure. For instance, I often negotiate with my kids in the grocery store: “Yes, if you behave, we can have a cookie when we get to the car.” -
Keep Your Dignity.
Wikipedia emphasizes the importance of remaining “human” in the eyes of your captor. “Do not grovel, beg, or become hysterical.” This is easier said than done. After a long day of parenting, I often find myself questioning my identity in the mirror while cradling a glass of wine. -
Communicate with Fellow Captives.
“Depending on the situation, your communication may have to be covert.” Luckily, my partner and I have developed our own system over the years. We share knowing glances that convey a thousand words, helping us navigate this challenging journey together. -
Stay Mentally Engaged.
While spending the day with my children can be delightful, I find my mind turning to mush without adult interaction. There’s only so many times I can answer, “What sound does a dragon make?” -
Blend In.
This is my crowning achievement. The article advises against standing out among captives. As a mom, I do my best to become invisible, especially when diaper changes or potty emergencies arise. Sometimes, I can manage to fade into the background, allowing my kids to seek help from their dad instead. -
Choose Your Moment to Escape.
It’s generally frowned upon to leave small children alone while you sneak out for errands, so the moment my partner returns home, I jump at the chance to run errands. Grocery shopping? Count me in! Picking up dry cleaning? Absolutely.
For more resources on navigating parenthood, check out this excellent guide on pregnancy and home insemination. Additionally, if you’re considering home insemination, you might find the Home Insemination Kit helpful. And for insights on recovery post-IUI, see this authority on the topic.
Summary:
Parenting can often feel like a hostage situation, rife with challenges and fears. By employing survival tactics similar to those suggested for actual captivity, parents can maintain their composure, stay observant, and find ways to cope with the chaos. Embracing a positive attitude, communicating with fellow caregivers, and knowing when to blend in or escape are all key strategies for thriving in the wild world of parenting.