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- Will the ‘True Single Moms’ Please Step Forward?
by Jessie Carter
Updated: Sep. 28, 2020
Originally Published: April 20, 2011
Whether we like it or not, there’s a prevailing image of what a single mom looks like—good, bad, and everything in between. Before I found myself in this role, I had my own preconceived notions.
The typical stereotype paints a picture of a woman juggling multiple children, tirelessly working several jobs, and still barely scraping by. She’s often depicted as perpetually frazzled, hanging by a thread, and one spilled drink away from a meltdown. She sacrifices precious moments with her kids in her quest to provide for them and may rely on welfare, with many believing she’s “taking advantage” of the system. Without a solid support network, she often seems trapped in a cycle reminiscent of her own upbringing.
The pathways to single motherhood are diverse—some women become single moms as unwed teens, while others find themselves unexpectedly navigating life’s challenges. Some may have loved the wrong partner, feeling compelled to stay for the sake of their children. Others may carry the scars of trauma or grief, having lost a spouse or endured profound personal struggles. There are also those who consciously choose the path of single motherhood, driven by their desire to nurture and raise children.
Single moms, solo moms, or however you prefer to label them, come from various backgrounds and life situations. While negative stereotypes might persist regarding single mothers and their circumstances, the reality is often far from these assumptions.
Regardless of individual situations, every mother—single or not—manages countless responsibilities, and sometimes, things fall through the cracks. That’s simply part of the parenting experience.
What has struck me most about single motherhood isn’t solely the challenges or heartaches. It’s not the external judgments or the assumptions about how I ended up with three boys and no partner. Instead, it’s the subtle hierarchies that exist among single mothers themselves.
Most of us didn’t plan to be here. Very few women wake up one day and think, “I’d love to raise my kids alone!” Life throws curveballs, and we adapt as best we can, striving to improve ourselves, sacrificing for our children, and doing our utmost every single day. Like all mothers do.
The ongoing “mom wars” are exhausting, especially when they revolve around issues like breastfeeding or schooling methods. In the realm of single mothers, the competition can escalate even further—from debates about child support to discussions about co-parenting. There’s an unspoken hierarchy where some single moms feel superior because they face greater struggles. Those with supportive families or reliable co-parents may hear dismissive comments such as, “She’s not a real single mom. Try doing it completely alone like I do.”
While there are certainly different challenges that arise from varying levels of support, it’s essential to recognize that every situation has its own difficulties. Parenting, in any form, is inherently challenging.
So, what does a “true single mom” really look like? In my view, she embodies a hero’s spirit. She possesses wisdom forged through hardship, doubt, and triumph. She may appear weary, constantly questioning her choices, yet exuding confidence as her children follow her like ducklings. She could be dressed in stylish attire or living in comfy, worn-out clothes, sometimes looking polished and other times frazzled.
She may have moments of grace and patience interspersed with times of frustration, falling into bed each night wondering if she’s doing it right. She balances full-time work with the demands of home life, all while being beautiful and brave. Importantly, she doesn’t need to adhere to anyone’s stereotypes or prove who has it tougher.
No matter how we arrived at this point—single or otherwise—we are all united in the journey of motherhood.
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Summary
Single motherhood is often surrounded by stereotypes that fail to capture the diverse realities of women in this role. Each single mom faces unique challenges, whether due to lack of support, personal circumstances, or choices that led them here. They embody resilience, wisdom, and strength, navigating the complexities of parenting while often facing unspoken judgments from within their community. Ultimately, all mothers share the common goal of raising their children, regardless of their circumstances.