Updated: Aug. 21, 2015
Originally Published: March 27, 2011
Kids have a unique talent for taking the things we cherish and transforming them into a sticky mess—whether it’s our leisure time, our sleep, or even those precious moments of solitude we steal while using the bathroom. But let’s be honest, the benefits of parenthood are undeniable.
I’m not referring to the heartwarming moments or the fresh perspectives they offer; the real perk comes from having a perpetual Get Out of Jail Free Card. As a parent, you have the right to blame them for just about everything. Allow me to illustrate this with my own list of:
10 Everyday Things I Blame on My Kid
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Slippery Floors.
Partner: “What on earth happened in the bathroom?”
Me: Peeking in, “Ugh, her hand-washing technique is atrocious!” The reality: I was busy applying 16 different skincare products without my contacts in, leaving behind a sink and floor that could host an aquarium. -
The Absence of Good Snacks.
Partner, excitedly: “Is there any of that (yummy snack) left?”
Me, choking on the last bite: “Um, sorry, I gave the last one to Lily before bed.” The truth: I’m stuffing the empty container deep into the trash to avoid any suspicion. -
Unpleasant Odors.
Everyone: “Ew!”
Me: “LILY!” The reality: I just devoured an entire head of cauliflower for lunch, despite the recipe not mentioning the need for a “butt plug.” -
Missing Out on Events.
Me, via text: “Oh man, I really want to attend that, but Lily is feeling under the weather.” The truth: I’m actually turning off my phone and settling in for another round of Netflix. -
Chronic Fatigue.
Me to a coworker, stifling a yawn while pouring coffee: “She was up all night with nightmares again!” The truth: I’m propped up in bed, surrounded by snacks, binge-watching shows with bloodshot eyes. -
Dust Bunnies Everywhere.
Me to friends: “The vacuum scares her. I just can’t bring myself to be that Tough Love Mom.” The reality: I dread the entire vacuuming process, from pulling it out to emptying the canister, so a quick sweep for crumbs before guests arrive is my go-to. -
Lack of Core Strength.
Me to those without kids: “Having a child completely changes your body, especially your stomach.” The truth: My abs have never seen a gym; even if I did all the right things, I’d still be out of luck. -
Cluttered Car.
Me, smiling at my passenger: “Kids, right? They’re miniature crumb factories.” The truth: It’s me, belting out punk songs from the late ’90s while munching on snacks and tossing the leftovers into the back seat. -
Incomplete Writing Tasks.
I decided to take a break and spend some quality time with my child, who will only be this young for a short while. The reality: A sudden opportunity for a nap presented itself, and I took full advantage. -
Procrastination on Projects.
I planned to work on a project but chose to engage with my child instead, who won’t be this age forever. The truth: I got distracted by a particularly enticing snack and lost track of time—no guilt here.
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In summary, parenting offers numerous opportunities to shift the blame onto our little ones, whether it’s about the mess they create, the snacks we can’t find, or the fatigue we feel. It’s a humorous way to navigate the chaos and embrace our new reality.